By Deep Knight
Theta Grade Channeler
Licensed Psi Field Balancer
The first recorded message from Ashtar was to UFO contactee George Van Tassel, on 18 July 1952. Van Tassel, who had a brilliant career during WWII in aviation as a landing field maintenance worker, had found the remains of a crashed starship while sweeping up. He recovered what he thought was an alien radio set, but actually was the Pleadian equivalent of TIVO. Because he was too technologically primitive to use the remote control module, he was limited to only certain features, and due to damage, only sporadically at that. This was done at the “giant rock” landing field site, which to this day remands unused because there’s a giant rock in the middle of the runway.
In 1952 he transcribed the message he heard as (in part):
Hail to you beings of Shan, I great you in love and peace, my identity is Ashtar, commandant quadra sector, patrol station Schare, all projections, all waves. Greetings, through The Council of the Seven Lights, you have been brought here inspired with the inner light to help your fellow man. You are mortals and other mortals can only understand that which their fellow man can understand. The purpose of this organization is, in a sense, to save mankind from himself. Some years ago your time, your nuclear physicists penetrated the "Book of Knowledge"; they discovered how to explode the atom.
This was really part of a commercial from the Ashtar Command “Television” show (as you can imagine, aliens are so advanced they don’t have actual TV, even in HD, but an incredible communications system that can’t be described in any Earth language) and really said this (Van Tassel had notoriously poor reception because he didn’t understand the advanced science of how to put aluminum foil flags on his rabbit ears antenna).
To promote the then-new Ashtar cigarettes (due to the huge distances involved, this was actually hundreds of light-years ago, which is even longer in earth-years or dog-years), the manufacturers started the Ashtar Command TV show starring Commander Ashtar. Originally played by Rex Qrypxcz, he was replaced by Bolt Wrtxsqmb during the 3rd season when Rex’s agent demanded a fixed percentage of the gross. Finally, starting with the 11th season, Ashtar was played by Rock Zqwtjk after a Bolt was caught up in a scandal after he revealed a coworker was attempting to blackmail him for having sex with show employees. The show was completely reworked at this time to include twin flame and housewife Mrs. Ashtar, Sparky the wonder dog, and Biff, Ashtar’s cute but mischievous nephew.I grate you in love and peace. My identity is Ashtar, commander of the Quadramatic sector, patrol station Scar, projecter of all projections, waver of all waves. I have a message from The Council of the Seven Lights, makers of fine tobacco products. You have been brought a new cigarette inspired with inner light to help our fellow humanoids and other sentient beings. Some years ago your time, your nuclear physicists penetrated the "Book of Knowledge"; they discovered how to make a smooth, satisfying smoke. Ashtar.
They got ash
They got tar
Smoke a pack
And you’ll go far
Ashtar!
The cigarette that stimulates you while relaxing you. High in ash and high in tar to coat your lungs, gills, or other gas exchange membranes and protect them. And it has the taste that satisfies. So remember, while watching the thrilling conclusion of this week’s episode of The Ashtar Command, smoke a pack of Ashtars!
This show is so popular that it’s endlessly rerun and rebroadcast from almost all civilized planets, which is why it gets picked up a lot by UFO researchers, channelers, SETI, CSETI, and loose dental fillings.
Original Ashtar, Rex Qrypxcz, Season 1 poster
Bolt Wrtxsqmb as Ashtar
Rock Zqwtjk has been Ashtar since 804,203,674 and is still going strong!