Adoption

[Imalawman]

So Mrs. Imalawman and I are in the process of adopting a domestic infant. Holy cow, is it a long and drawn out process! Urine samples, Blood samples, fingerprints, FBI clearance, multiple state criminal record clearances, personalty testing, and loads of paperwork. In the next round of paperwork, we have to explain our parenting philosophy in essay form. Since we don't have children now, I think it's a bit absurd to make us explain our philosophy. (though we have been criticizing parents for years...) Oh, and it cost $25,000.00.

We never would have guessed that it was this difficult to adopt. I suppose that it is good on hand, but on the other, it takes so long to get people through this process and not to mention that huge hurdle that $25K can be for a lot of people. In any event, if any Quatloosians have any advice on getting through this process or recommended sources, I'd be happy to hear them.

[Montana Notasovrun]

First, congratulations! Both my children are adopted and the process can be a bear. The agency I used was more interested in placing children with good parents than just finding parents for children. We used my wife's retirement to pay for it and never looked back. It was and continues to be the best investment we ever made. We used the agency, Holt International. They were very good to work with and much faster than the state agencies. The state people were nice and helpful, it just took longer. For us the whole process lasted about 9 months, what a coincidence, and we adopted a 5 year old. My wife and her first husband adopted an infant. I love both my children.

[Burnaby49]

Wife and I adopted twins almost 30 years ago. Canada does it somewhat differently, no idea what is involved in your adoption agencies process, here it is all done through the provincial government. Also, no fees. They charged us $50 for some registration fee when we got the boys and that was it.

However same otherwise. Long drawn-out process, multiple meetings and questions, takes forever. All you can do is slog through it and hope for a kid at the end. I don't know how much warning you Americans get but we got none. Here there is no specific child involved, you just go through the process to be put on a list. When we finished all the hurdles it only made us eligible to adopt, we were essentially put on file with masses of other qualified couples and told they might get back to us someday. Then one day the wife got a phone call saying they had a pair of newborn twins and we had to decide in an hour if we wanted them or not. She said yes and that was it.

[jg]

We are adoptive parents; but the process was not at all difficult and was essentially free, or entirely reimbursed.
We did adopt "special needs" children after being in a foster program that had a long term goal of adoption due to the pending or past termination of birth parent's rights.

From http://www.adoptflorida.org/kids.shtml

"Special needs" is a federal legal definition that applies to most children in care. It means the child qualifies for an adoption subsidy. It does not mean the child necessarily has any disability. In Florida, any of the following criteria qualifies a child for special needs assistance:

•Age 8 or older

•Member of a sibling group being placed for adoption together

•African American or racially mixed

•Significant emotional ties with foster parents or a relative caregiver

•Mental, physical or emotional handicap

If you are not already committed to a particular child or contracted with a private agency, perhaps you want to explore public adoption opportunities in your state.

Public adoption worked great for us. Our children (a sibling group of two) are a great blessing.

[fortinbras]

I wish you all the luck in the world. I am stunned at the very high price of adoption services. It appears to me that there are lots of loving households that would be excellent adoptive parents - but paying for all the red tape would mean they'd be so poor they couldn't raise a child.

[jg]

Cost is not a problem for adopting "special needs" children, as mentioned above.
Most states have programs to assist and have children ready and waiting to go into homes.
Some of those programs can include a subsidy, until the child is age eighteen, to lessen the financial burden on the family.

It is a myth that adoption must be expensive. Public adoption is low cost or no cost in many, if not all, states.

[Imalawman]

It is a myth that adoption must be expensive. Public adoption is low cost or no cost in many, if not all, states.

Well, this is only true to the extent that you are adopting special needs. Fostering towards adoption is much lower cost, but still has some expenses. In my state, fostering to adoption (only public option) is not easy and one must be willing to accept a high degree of risk and virtually no control over the process. It can be a rough deal, it can take many children before you get one that the parental rights are terminated and adoption proceedings go through. Also, if a couple wants an infant, it can be hard to get into the foster program and again, can take a long time to get one that has the rights terminated. Also, there is a high likelihood of fetal alcohol syndrome and fetal drug abuse.

That people are willing to do this is great and I admire them greatly for it. However, it's simply not for everyone - in fact, it's not for most people. Thus, for most people cost is a huge factor in adopting a child.

Also, the adoption landscape has changed dramatically in just the past 3-5 years. International adoptions are incredibly expensive and time consuming. Just this year, South Korea changed their requirements. They went from about a $10k country free to $20,000 country fee (you have to add on another 12-15K to that number). SK also went from no mandatory in-country stay to a 2-week stay. Also the requirements for parents tightened up. We really hope to go international for our next, but it simply wasn't an option this time around.

Waiting periods overseas for mild special needs to healthy infants is about 2.5-5 years depending on the country. Right now for a healthy baby girl from China, it takes about 4 years and over $35,000.00. Russia is about $50,0000, 3 years with a 4-6 week in country stay.

Additionally, there used to be (as in 3-5 years ago) numerous outlets for adoption grants and funding. Virtually every single one has folded up their tents have no more funding. The adoption tax credit will most likely expire this year, leaving most people will little reimbursement for adoptions that start this year, but conclude in the next.

Thus, overall, I would say that adoption has become a very expensive, time consuming process. Of course this expense and time consuming nature is on a scale based upon the degree of risk, health concerns, and control over the process desired. However, its undeniable that there are huge barriers right now to adoption for most couples.

[fortinbras]

Adoptions have changed a LOT since I was small. Now it seems to be a privilege reserved for the very prosperous.

Foreign adoptions also very risky. Foreign adoption agencies seem to be spectacularly unequipped to admit to, or adequate describe, a child's special needs; this seems to dovetail with the inclination in some foreign countries to keep healthy and promising children and discard "problem" children. Stories of US couples who were given medical evaluations entirely in gibberish that did not correspond to any US medical/psych terminology; stories of US couples who were simply not told of the diagnoses or suspicions that the child had a problem, stories of videotapes that supposedly would enable the US couple to see what they were getting into - but the video just showed glimpses of the kid sitting still alone, no clue of how it acted or interacted.

One deaf US couple was eager to adopt a deaf child. A Russian agency insisted they had the right baby for them. Turned out the baby was not deaf; their test for deafness was just banging a kettle and getting no reaction (one of the few examples of a foreign adoption without a hidden flaw - but still a disappointment). Couple was understandably upset. Undoubtedly there were children with hearing deficiencies in the Russian system - why had they been flimflammed.

[Burnaby49]

Also, don't forget to get an adopor kit - mainly because you (being older) are likely in English units, while the baby (being new) is likely one of them newfangled metric babies.

Do you even know your metrics?

Canada changed to metric leaving us befuddled old-timers stranded. My kids don't even know what miles and pounds are but I'm constantly having to convert to make sense of things. However Lawman doesn't have to worry, kids absorb changes like that effortlessly.

[Kestrel]

So I see that the adoption landscape hasn't changed in the last 25 years. You still have to jump through fiery hoops and brave minefields just to be considered, then after spending substantial emotional and financial capital you can still get wiped out on a whim.

It's just unfair that any two pieces of trailer trash can grow themselves a herd of homegrown AFDC / food stamp / medicaid recipients. Or three, or four, or five or six pieces of trailer trash, since such herds tend to have no more than one parent in common. But decent, self-supporting, responsible, educated adults in long-term stable marriages are deemed unworthy by social service caseworkers.

[Burnaby49]

So I see that the adoption landscape hasn't changed in the last 25 years. You still have to jump through fiery hoops and brave minefields just to be considered, then after spending substantial emotional and financial capital you can still get wiped out on a whim.

It's just unfair that any two pieces of trailer trash can grow themselves a herd of homegrown AFDC / food stamp / medicaid recipients. Or three, or four, or five or six pieces of trailer trash, since such herds tend to have no more than one parent in common. But decent, self-supporting, responsible, educated adults in long-term stable marriages are deemed unworthy by social service caseworkers.

It's strictly a matter of supply and demand. While your hypothetical trailer trash can spawn all the welfare detrius they want the supply of the prime adoptee, a healthy newborn single-race baby, is very limited. It's not so much a question of the prospective parents being "deemed unworthy", as it is that social services can afford to be picky since there are a dozen manifestly qualified couples for each child.

As noted in this thread once you go to special needs children the availability expands greatly. That was the key to us getting our adopted boys almost 30 years ago. The boys were healthy newborns but were considered special needs because they were mixed-race. Our social services has a mandate to match mixed-race children with equivalent mixed-raced parents if at all possible and my wife and I are a mixed-race couple that matched the boys' racial profile almost exactly. Since there were very few approved couples that matched the profile we were put at the front of the line and got them. Had we been a single-race couple wanting a white child we would have been totally out of luck. There were so many couples who had already been put through the approval process for non special-needs children and then put on a wait list that there was no need for any more and we would not have been accepted even for screening.

[Imalawman]

The boys were healthy newborns but were considered special needs because they were mixed-race. Our social services has a mandate to match mixed-race children with equivalent mixed-raced parents if at all possible and my wife and I are a mixed-race couple that matched the boys' racial profile almost exactly. Since there were very few approved couples that matched the profile we were put at the front of the line and got them. Had we been a single-race couple wanting a white child we would have been totally out of luck. There were so many couples who had already been put through the approval process for non special-needs children and then put on a wait list that there was no need for any more and we would not have been accepted even for screening.

That's very interesting. Mixed race is very much not considered "special needs" anymore. In fact, we are very open to mixed race and have specified no preferences. Special needs now means fairly significant mental or physical impairment. Our specific openness was set at all races with mild physical special needs. So, we're not being that selective.

[Burnaby49]

The boys were healthy newborns but were considered special needs because they were mixed-race. Our social services has a mandate to match mixed-race children with equivalent mixed-raced parents if at all possible and my wife and I are a mixed-race couple that matched the boys' racial profile almost exactly. Since there were very few approved couples that matched the profile we were put at the front of the line and got them. Had we been a single-race couple wanting a white child we would have been totally out of luck. There were so many couples who had already been put through the approval process for non special-needs children and then put on a wait list that there was no need for any more and we would not have been accepted even for screening.

That's very interesting. Mixed race is very much not considered "special needs" anymore. In fact, we are very open to mixed race and have specified no preferences. Special needs now means fairly significant mental or physical impairment. Our specific openness was set at all races with mild physical special needs. So, we're not being that selective.

We weren't selective either, we said we'd take any healthy newborn. Sex, race immaterial. However our openness to any race took a back seat to social service's need, or perceived need, to match up parents/children by ethnic background. In our case much to our advantage.

Here in British Columbia mixed race isn't considered a special need criteria in the sense that the child is considered at a disadvantage or needs special care, such as a mental or physical disability, but in the sense of an evaluating criteria to best match a child to adopting couples. I don't know American rules but I'd suspect that this is true in the states too. While you might be entirely open to a mixed-race child and would be qualified to adopt one a pair of parents more ethnically/racially matched to the child might well trump you.

Here the birth mother gets final say in picking the adopting parents. She is given a targeted list of qualified parents with detailed information on race, religion, education, employment, family background and medical history etc. She goes through the list and picks who seems best based on whatever criteria she choses. In our case the list only included couples of the same ethnic mix as the boys. This was both a plus and a minus. At that time there were very few mixed-race babies put up for adoption but also very few mixed-race qualified couples. So we jumped the line but had a very small pool of potential babies available to us.

The mother picked us because of a one on a thousand chance. The boys were twins and so am I. We were told she chose us because she figured that a father who was a twin would understand the unique perspectives of being a twin, and how to handle that as a parent, far better than non-twin parents would.

[jg]

...That's very interesting. Mixed race is very much not considered "special needs" anymore. In fact, we are very open to mixed race and have specified no preferences. Special needs now means fairly significant mental or physical impairment. Our specific openness was set at all races with mild physical special needs. So, we're not being that selective.

Sorry to have to differ (as I am trying to encourage those that wish to adopt to explore their options and to explore and consider "special needs" public adoption if the cost or difficulty is too much).
Please look back up to my first post in the thread for my state's definition of special needs.
Florida does include age 8 or older, member of a sibling group being placed for adoption together, and African American or racially mixed as well as significant emotional ties with foster parents or a relative caregiver and mental, physical or emotional handicap as "special needs.

At least in Florida "special needs" definitely does not mean "fairly significant mental or physical impairment" and may only mean age, siblings in foster care or race. Some other states that I have looked at public "special needs" adoption definitions use a set time under foster care, such as 24 months, in addition to sibling group, age or race as criteria to qualify as "special needs" adoption.

The term "special needs" just describes conditions or circumstances that may delay or prevent placement in an adoptive home. Of course, definitions (and supply of children) differs from state to state; but there are many needy and special children that can be adopted in Florida, and presumably in many other states, that have no mental or physical impairment.

Bless you and your spouse for adopting (via public or private process)!

[Burnaby49]

Please look back up to my first post in the thread for my state's definition of special needs.
Florida does include age 8 or older, member of a sibling group being placed for adoption together, and African American or racially mixed as well as significant emotional ties with foster parents or a relative caregiver and mental, physical or emotional handicap as "special needs.

Pretty much the same criteria in effect here in Canada when we adopted almost 30 years ago and I doubt it has changed much. While our boys were "members of a sibling group being placed for adoption together" they were not considered special need on that basis because they were newborn twins so they would have not been a placement problem. The special needs sibling group criteria contemplated a combined adoption of various age children.

While mental and/or physical impairment constitutes special needs here, the various criteria are stand-alone and a child need not have any impairment to be classified as special needs if it falls under any of the other criteria such as age or siblings.

[Imalawman]

...That's very interesting. Mixed race is very much not considered "special needs" anymore. In fact, we are very open to mixed race and have specified no preferences. Special needs now means fairly significant mental or physical impairment. Our specific openness was set at all races with mild physical special needs. So, we're not being that selective.

Sorry to have to differ (as I am trying to encourage those that wish to adopt to explore their options and to explore and consider "special needs" public adoption if the cost or difficulty is too much).
Please look back up to my first post in the thread for my state's definition of special needs.
Florida does include age 8 or older, member of a sibling group being placed for adoption together, and African American or racially mixed as well as significant emotional ties with foster parents or a relative caregiver and mental, physical or emotional handicap as "special needs.

At least in Florida "special needs" definitely does not mean "fairly significant mental or physical impairment" and may only mean age, siblings in foster care or race. Some other states that I have looked at public "special needs" adoption definitions use a set time under foster care, such as 24 months, in addition to sibling group, age or race as criteria to qualify as "special needs" adoption.

The term "special needs" just describes conditions or circumstances that may delay or prevent placement in an adoptive home. Of course, definitions (and supply of children) differs from state to state; but there are many needy and special children that can be adopted in Florida, and presumably in many other states, that have no mental or physical impairment.

Bless you and your spouse for adopting (via public or private process)!

Sorry, I should clarify - we're adopting infants so my definitions refer to infants, not older children. Yes, if the child is older than 2 years old then minority or mixed race status can qualify the child as special needs, as well as anyone older than 8 years old. To get a special needs infant means fairly significant disabilities of some sort.

I am referring to barriers to parents who want the experience of having an infant. It is very hard to get infants - from a financial and paperwork perspective. The older the child, the more assistance from the state and the feds there is available.

[Doktor Avalanche]

Well, congratulations!

And yeah, I hear ya about the paperwork. Makes the IRS look positively stellar by comparison.

[Prof]

To all of you adoptive parents: You should each be thanked and blessed for opening your homes, lives, and hearts to those who need you. I realize that adoptive parents get something in return -- a child to love them and be loved. But, still, bless each and every one of you.

[Pottapaug1938]

I was just remembering the "Swingline Cub" staplers used by some of my classmates when I was in grade school during the late 50s and early 60s. They could fit easily into a pocket... and they were red in color.

Sounds like a good welcoming gift (to be used when older) for Imalawbaby....

[webhick]

Why didn't you tell me that you wanted a baby sooner? I've had access to a stubborn little ginger for near on three years now.

Am I going to have to pull some strings to get you a rugrat?