May 26, 2017 Stryker
Agents were called to a ranch in northern Wyoming this morning after reports of animal-like screams and a strange smell leaking into the neighbors’ lives. After a short investigation, it was found that the ranch is the vacation home of US Senator Al Franken. The FBI took over and served the home with a wellness check and found what investigators are calling one of the most rancid scenes in recent memory. One so horrifying, the first agents on scene couldn’t help but vomit and the others had to take a moment to pray and weep.
The home was being used as a pagan cult shrine. Even at 2 miles to the nearest neighbor, the screams of the animals being sacrificed there would reach the neighbors because they were performed in a ritual in the back of the property far from view but close enough to hear the horror. LLOD reporter Skip Tetheluda said the scene was like nothing he’d ever witnessed before:
“There were piles of bones. So many from so many different species it would be impossible to figure it all out. They looked like some as small as rabbits or chickens to muck larger bovines like cows and buffalo. It must have been a bloodbath.”
Franken is reportedly in Washington and hasn’t responded to requests for a statement. This is a developing story that will be updated.
Skip Tetheluda? My darlin'?
FBI Releases Gruesome New Details About Senator Al Franken’s Vacation Home Raid
May 26, 2017 Stryker
The FBI says the scene at the vacation home of Democrat Senator Al Franken in southeastern Montana this morning revealed some things even the most seasoned veteran would call disturbing. It seems that Franken had a collection of bones from various kinds of animals in a large wooden box next to an outdoor fire pit where ritual ceremonies were held. According to LLOD reporter Skip Tetheluda who is on the scene in Pittsburg:
“What they found were the remains of several species we believe they used in a pagan sacrifice. They included parts of cows, pigs, chickens, at least 2 turkeys, a lamb and what may have been a slab of white-tailed deer. What those poor animals must have gone through. The FBI says they estimate that the amount of meat on those bones would have fed a crowd of nearly 800 people.”
800 people? What is it, some kind of a festival? That’s exactly what it is, if you believe Demoncrat Al Franken, who released this statement:
Yes, you idiots, we had a festival. The permits were filed and approved. Over the course of a week we had almost 800 people stop in for some of our famous proteins. The ritualistic fire pit is also called a “barbeque pit” and every animal listed is available from the local butcher. White tail deer? It’s called “venison” you morons and a lot of people eat it.
You people are truly ridiculous.
A likely story. Franken did happen to host a festival of food on his property with a permit for up to 1000 people, but that’s most likely a cover for the rituals. They also recovered more than 11 empty gallon jugs of Sweet Baby Ray’s, so even if their story was true they’re still frauds. And…bison? Who the hell eats buffalo? One way or the other, this is sick and Hillary is involved. You just know it.
That about wraps this one up. Stay safe, patriots. Go with God.
ForbesFlies in the buttermilk, shoo, fly, shoo
Skip to my lou, my darlin'
Al Franken, Vulture Festival And The Business Of Entertainment Extravaganzas
Rebecca Lerner ,
NEW YORK, NY - MAY 20: Actor Robert Smigel (L) and Sen. Al Franken (D-NY) speak onstage during Al Franken And Robert Smigel: In Conversation during the 2017 Vulture Festival at Milk Studios on May 20, 2017 in New York City. Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images for Vulture Festival.
NEW YORK, NY - MAY 20: Actor Robert Smigel (L) and Sen. Al Franken (D-NY) speak onstage during Al Franken And Robert Smigel: In Conversation during the 2017 Vulture Festival at Milk Studios on May 20, 2017 in New York City. Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images for Vulture Festival.
At Vulture Festival this weekend, Al Franken said what he wanted to.
The festival marked the first stop on the book tour for his new memoir, Al Franken, Giant of the Senate. The seventh book from the honorable gentleman from Minnesota is published by Twelve, a division of Hachette Book Group, and reportedly sold for over $1 million.
In a sold-out show with about 160 people in the audience, Robert Smigel, comedian and longtime friend of Franken, discussed the senator’s transition from Saturday Night Live to government service.
Recalling his close 2008 election, Franken described the way his opponent, Norm Coleman, would take his comedic career out of context.
“My opponent put everything I’d ever said or written into a $15 million machine called the ‘dehumorizer.’ It has very advanced Israeli technology,” Franken joked.
Franken’s irreverent but politically auspicious set was a perfect fit for the fourth year of Vulture Festival, the New York Magazine-backed digital publication’s in-person celebration of all things pop culture. According to sources working for Vulture, ticket sales for the festival hit about 13,000 sold, up from 11,000 last year.
Magazines are increasingly hosting consumer-based extravaganzas featuring stars, panels and food to solidify their brand in the minds of their online readers. From Entertainment Weekly’s expansive PopFest in Los Angeles to Northside Media’s Northside Festival in Brooklyn to FORBES’ own Under 30 summits, live experiences are proving their ability to create both revenue and multiplatform content.
The tangible effects of the festivals are clear — throughout the short time frame, the producers and subjects of the digital publication can reach their readers in a physical milieu.
“It’s nice to have something to interact with in the real world,” Jesse David Fox, a Senior Editor at Vulture, told FORBES. “We want to have that physical interaction. Our fans are going to be like, ‘This is a festival made for us. This is my Coachella, my Bonnaroo.’”
But the expansive nature of the festival’s content ensures a reach that extends beyond fans of Franken’s opining on Ted Cruz and the threat of climate change. With 48 events ranging from a Cat Power concert to a Pop Culture Trivia Game Show with the casts of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and Orange is the New Black, most of the festival-goers bought individual tickets for specific acts.
Like all new ventures, Vulture Festival had its share of growing pains. Tickets ranged from $16 to $50 per event and as of the morning of the festival, less than half of the 48 events had sold out. But according to Fox, the number of die-hard fans who shelled out $495 to attend every event with the unlimited Vulture Pass doubled in sales from last year’s festival.
“The reason we do tickets per event is because it speaks to what we do,” explained Fox. “We don’t paint people as generally liking television — we understand that people who like pop culture have very specific interests.”
This commitment to program particularity and diversity in content is reflective of the mission of Vulture’s parent, New York Magazine. Vulture is one of its branded destination sites, along with Grub Street, The Cut and others.
The vertical-market mindset that inspired the catering of digital media to specific interests could be seen all over Vulture Festival. But while the festival differentiated itself with pajamas brunches with actors and pop-up nail salons, the bulk of the programming had the conversational style of Franken and Smigel’s dialogue.
After the conversation, most of the audience filed into a line for the AT&T Vulture Lounge at Highline Stages, one of the multiple sponsored additions to the festival. Inside was bumping music and pop-up shops hosted by the other sites, Grub Street and The Strategist, giving festival-goers the chance to buy Dominique Ansel’s chocolate-chip cookies or Aubrey Plaza’s favorite lip balm.
While the programming of a festival allows for culture and connection, its revenue-driven structure presents new opportunities for profit—and Vulture will look to continue building on that going forward.
They slyly left out the animal sacrifices, scene that made the FBI vomit, and pretend it was in New York instead of Wyoming and Montana, but you KNOW this has got to be the festival they're referring to! I say, hangin's too good fer him, we should get a rope!