Death and the In-Laws.

[Parvati]

Haven't been around much because of the generally unpleasant nature of the months preceding my husband's death, which was a few days ago. As if to prove that it's the extremes in life that can really bring out the worst in people, my in-laws (who we've seen once in over 15 years) waited 24 hours before hitting me with a list of his things that they want. Not only that, my SiL has decided that she is going to come up here to "help me" go through everything so she can take what she wants. Which includes his laptop, iPhone, and any other technology he has because hers is out of date. o.O

Said SiL came up here one time when he had emergency surgery due to the cancer. She talked a lot of talk about coming up every other weekend to help out, etc., but never came back again. My MiL manages to travel cross-country between her three houses, but somehow she was never well enough to get up here to see him, even when it looked like he wasn't going to survive the week.

And the icing on this giant, steaming crap pile of human ugliness is that they've decided to sue me for what they think should be "their share" of the life insurance. (He took out a supplemental policy after the first cancer diagnosis, and I'm the beneficiary on both the supplemental and standard policies. Yes, I know that their chances of success are slim, but they're sure that they can tie things up and run up my legal fees to such an extent that I'll give them half the payout to make them go away.) Why is SiL doing this? Well, like many others who are losing their homes, she bought too much house. And now she can't handle the payments and had to sell at a loss, so she is highly motivated. In contrast, my MiL just sold one of her three valuable properties, and she's bankrolling the SiL's legal fees.)

So, yeah. That's why I haven't been making my occasional comments of keeping tabs on the Ottaviano/MATA things. He's an utter nothing compared to this hell. All I want to do is be left alone for a while and get my head straight, but everyone from the in-laws to the ex wife are crawling out of the woodwork making demands to things that, by law, they have no claim to.

I lawyered up as soon as I could think straight, so I'm probably going to be okay. Really though, the worst part of the whole thing was doing CPR. I did somewhere around 500 compressions, and I could *feel* (and hear) his ribs breaking. I hear it when I try to sleep, and no amount of intellectualization ("breaking ribs means you're doing it right") makes that go away.

Some of you had been dealing with similar caregiver situations so I didn't go into mine, but now that it's over, I guess I just needed to vent a bit. If the in-laws and the ex weren't being so horrible, I think it would be survivable. As it is, I don't even want to answer the phone. (Oh--and the people who think they're being helpful by advising me to "get back on the horse" as soon as possible might mean well, but it's really in profoundly poor taste.)

***End of rant.*** Commiseration and sharing of similar experiences welcomed (via PM or otherwise), but I am not seeking legal advice--just venting.

[Duke2Earl]

There is nothing I can really say other than express my sincere sympathy and best wishes and hope for your healing.

[The Observer]

***End of rant.***

I don't consider this a rant, but a well-deserved opportunity to relieve yourself, if only for a moment, of a hellish burden without what appears to be little or no support from others. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this situation with your husband's relatives due to their selfishness and greed. The good thing is that you can consider them no longer as your in-laws, but your out-laws.

[Pottapaug1938]

First of all, Parvati, please accept my condolences on your loss.

Second of all: I don't know if your husband left a will; but if he did then it's usually pretty hard to win, or even sustain, a lawsuit based on undue influence, against a surviving spouse. I'd be amazed if such a lawsuit would survive a Motion to Dismiss, filed immediately after the Complaint.

If your husband did not leave a will, most states have rules regarding what's called "intestate succession". If the Vultures-in-law want a cut of that which they don't deserve to receive, the courts will decide what they are to get, and when they will get it.

Third, don't leave your house unguarded. Change the locks; and especially when you are away from home, whenever possible ask neighbors to keep an eye on your house. I could easily imagine one of the Vultures thinking "they don't really need me at the funeral; and instead of going I can go to the house and ransack -- er, help the widow out by cleaning out things so that she doesn't have to deal with it all." Take photographs of every room in your house; hide all valuables (perhaps storing them elsewhere, if there is someone whom you can trust); and above all do not let the Vultures inside.

[webhick]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss and all the familial problems surrounding it. This is a time when you need to just "be" and work through things with the love and support of your family and friends. It's absolutely disgusting what they're doing to you.

[Prof]

My wife and her parents were somewhat estranged and she and her brothers were not close. However, when my mother-in-law died (she had outlived by father-in-law), my wife's brothers went out of their way to insure that their sister received her fair share of the estate.

Just goes to show that "good" or "classy" folks always try to do the right thing, I think.

[Thule]

Sorry to hear that. Seen similar things, and the only proper word (I apologize if it's offensive right now) is "vultures".

Worrying about an iPhone and other gadgets in a situation like this is just plain nasty.

Good luck to you.

[wserra]

Sorry, both about your husband and the vultures. As a lawyer, I see family members screwing each other every day - and not only in-laws, but blood relatives. On two occasions I have seen mothers outright steal from their own kids.

Not that this observation helps you, or likely even makes you feel better. Good to see you back.

[Kestrel]

It's never easy to lose the ones you love. You are not alone in your grief. Been there and felt the pain myself. May you find peace, knowing that you really did do everything feasible.

As for the former in-laws and the ex, they've already shown how much they care and for whom. I envision Dante's 3rd or 4th levels of hell for them - the final dwelling places of the selfish and the greedy.

I think I'd tell the vultures that you may consider letting them have his laptop, iPhone, etc., after you finally die. They'll be worth waiting for, since you don't plan to leave for another few decades, which could make the toys antiques that they'll inherit at a stepped-up basis. Have you seen how much an Apple I fetched at auction?

[Cathulhu]

I've been away without net access--Parvati, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your in-laws are something else. And I think changing your locks is a really good idea.

[ArthurWankspittle]

I am really sorry to hear about this and the surrounding circumstances. Please follow the suggestions on here, especially changing the locks and getting the lawyer to fend off the vultures.

[Parvati]

Thank you, everyone, for the thoughts and suggestions. "Lawering up" was probably the hardest part--not because I hate lawyers or any of that business, but because I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. Feels like I'm on auto-pilot, and it's going to shut down at any minute.

Being besieged by people I've seen once in 15 years, telling me "I'm coming up there this weekend," and "I want _this_that_and_the_other_thing_," is overwhelming. They were happy to go without seeing him for all those years despite the accessible geography, and they knew he'd had a terminal cancer for 4 years. That they're suddenly able to get here with such haste is just ugly. It's an assumption that I'm going to stiff them, or whatever they're thinking, and it's simply offensive.

While I had no intentions of "doing wrong" by anyone, the more they kick up the more everything coalesces into nothing but incandescent rage. All it took was one, "I don't want you to come over here and do that right now. Nothing you want is going anywhere, but I need some time to sit down with a lawyer because I've never done this before," and they were right into lawsuit-mode. Their logic? If I had a lawyer, I had something to hide. Not, "She got a lawyer because she isn't going to make good decisions on her own," but, "Guilty people need lawyers." It seems like they assume that other people are going to behave badly because it's exactly what they'd do.

Legally, I can dispose of everything as I see fit, and it's really, really tempting to just shove it all in a storage locker and tell them all to go blow for a while. Because if I do what I want to do right now, it won't make anyone happy in the long run. My first inclination is to sell it all off and split the proceeds between the kids and a relevant charity. Because even if I do give them whatever they want (computers, kitchen appliances, electronics, etc.) the lawsuit over the life insurance is still bad behavior. Their poor financial decisions shouldn't be my problem right now.

Poked around on some online support groups and Wes wasn't exaggerating. People do some horrific things to one another in these situations. It's as if they know they're kicking the other party when they're down. And the similarities are astonishing--same details, same results, same emotions..... Sometimes felt like I was reading something I'd written, myself. (Many of the posters are young widows of service members. They're in terrible shape. )

Eh. Going to find a house-sitter so I can go out of town for a while without having to worry about the dogs and the house. Thanks again for the offers of advice and acceptance of the venting. I know there are two sides to every story--particularly in situations like these, but it's nice to have my POV accepted at face value. It's actually incredibly uplifting. Thank you.

[Parvati]

Parvati, where does your state usually stand on homeowners shooting and killing intruders who are inside the house? Not that I am suggesting anything, but you know, if you are home alone and an unexpected "guest" comes in your house without permission and you feel your life is in peril....... Just sayin'

Sadly, this li'l state o' mine thinks its citizens need to retreat into the deepest, darkest corner of our own homes and call for police assistance three times while clicking our heels together before we're allowed to defend ourselves with anything approaching force. The running joke is that an intruder is allowed to sue for injuries if the door hits them on the a$$ on the way out. (While my dogs who would warn me if someone entered the house in the night, they're actually a couple of cupcakes who bark big but aren't a danger to anything that isn't a particularly un-athletic squirrel.)

Thanks for the -- they're in short supply.

[Arthur Rubin]

BTW Parvati, putting stuff in a storage unit is not a bad idea, rather good actually. Use a facility with a gate, posted hours, using your own padlock on the unit.

But if there's anything made of wood (that you want to keep intact), contract with a termite (or pest control) service independent of the facility. We lost a bookcase that way.

[Burnaby49]

Their poor financial decisions shouldn't be my problem right now.

Right now? Why at anytime? If they had made good financial decisions they wouldn't be sharing it with you and their voricious demands at your husband's death wouldn't have changed any.

[Cathulhu]

Their poor financial decisions shouldn't be my problem right now.

Right now? Why at anytime? If they had made good financial decisions they wouldn't be sharing it with you and their voricious demands at your husband's death wouldn't have changed any.

Damn straight. (Except the spelling of voracious.) And the storage unit is a really good idea; above all else, don't let the idiots spook you into doing something in haste that you later realize isn't right. (My own character is exceedingly bad at backing down--did it once, hated it, never gonna do it again.) You have all the time in the world; the nasties are trying to hit you while you're still in shock. Just because they come running does not obligate you to put them up. I only wish you had the same "official overflow motel" that I use when unwelcome guests show up (it was only ten miles from my house, and too good a joke not to use!)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/grundlepuck/2458074131/

[notorial dissent]

Parvati, first and foremost, my sincerest condolences on this difficult time.

Some simple words to remember, NO, NO, NO, and it isn't convenient, and NO! You do not need to explain or justify yourself to anyone at this point.

Quite simply, lock your doors and leave them locked, don't answer the door if you don't feel like it, and by all means, screen your calls, that's what they made answering machines and voice messaging for. So let them come knock on the door, like a telephone, it has no constitutional right to be answered. Why should you care what your in-laws think at this point, if they couldn't be bothered to come see him when he was alive, what possible claim could they have at this point?

At this point, you do not need to be making any serious decisions, you are still dealing with you loss and that will take time. Do the things you need to do to get on with your life, and to keep things going where you are, get your lawyer working on what they he/she needs to be doing, and then take care of yourself. Losing someone this way is a terrific shock to the system and psyche, and even if you don't think it is, it was.

Again, if you don't feel like talking to your in-laws, don't, they waited this long, they can wait a whole lot longer. I mean, do you really think anything you do at this point is going to change their already set opinion of you???

[obadiah]

I only wish you had the same "official overflow motel" that I use when unwelcome guests show up (it was only ten miles from my house, and too good a joke not to use!)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/grundlepuck/2458074131/

I HAVE to go check that out! The sign looks too good to be true.

[Cathulhu]

Sadly, it was recently torn down. But it appears they may rebuild.

[Imalawman]

My sincerest condolences. My mother and one of her sisters had her inheritance stolen by two of her four sisters. My mom and her "good" sister decided not to sue and after 10 years of not speaking they have mended fences such that three of them now take trips together.

So, while death of a family members can bring out the worst, sometimes time can heal these wounds. I hope you are able to work through this.

I like your storage idea - that may be the best option at this point. Really.