The Rise of Erasmus of America and the Battle in the Hollow Earth for the Stargate of Doom!
A Deep Knight Mystery
PROLOGUE: The Hero and His Friends
Deep Knight, surrounded by beautiful, compliant women relaxing in his swank penthouse apartment, was thinking about the benefits of being the world’s greatest lover and spy, known to experts in the field as “the Mata Hari of American men” and to others as “proof there is no justice in the world.” Suddenly, and without warning, his world came crashing in on him. Luckily, it was just the roof of his building, and brushing off the dust and large chunks of concrete, Agent Knight braced for the assault he knew would come.
Suddenly, and without warning, an entire squad of ancient-Roman-soldier-costumed commandoes burst in brandishing swords and shields. “Prepare to die, scion of darkness!” exclaimed one whose helmet plume very well may have indicated he was their leader. “Roman law will see justice done to all of those of the dark agenda and their fellow travelers! Our extremely smart leader, Erasmus of America, has read about your earlier encounters and has planned an assault you can’t possibly escape from! Not only are there more of us than you have bullets in your gun, but we’re sheathed in Kevlar armor and using swords for some inexplicable reason that wouldn’t make any sense even if I told you what it was! We are invincible!”
Deep Knight’s look of concern turned to one of amusement. “Yes, I’ve written about my response to mindless assaults in the past, where my marksmanship has made the difference between order and chaos, which is why I have an all new response to thwart your gambit and enliven my prose. Let me introduce you to, the Slice Girls!”
The details are to graphically horrible to go into here, but suffice it to say the NWO's reunion of the Spice Girls at the Olympics wasn’t just to prevent millions of viewers from tuning in and seeing the landing of the saucers, but also to provide the genes for cloning a new army of female ninja warriors wearing sexy black pajamas and armed with samurai swords. In a clashing of steel and letting of blood that is better recorded on film than in words, sharp shining death and spurting blood danced in a ballet of battle. Sporty Spice, Scary Slice, Slutty Slice, and Skanky Slice did most of the beheading, with Serial Killer Slice and Baby Slice disemboweling and dismembering. Just imagine the goriest scene possible, multiply it by one hundred, add one million, and you’ll get the picture. Unfortunately, Deep Knight’s laid-back attitude prevented him joining the fight until the girls were all mortally wounded, but by this time the assault had been reduced to a handful of easily-dispatched centurions. As he walked through the carnage administering a final coup de grace to his cloned Slice Girls, Deep Knight was almost overwhelmed with a feeling of regret that he had only slept with 5 of the 6 before they were killed. Oh well, being clones there were more where they came from.
Agent Knight rustled up the sole surviving assault commando and using the heal of his boot gently massaged his open wounds. “Talk, patriot scum!” he suggested firmly, finally getting a detailed list of names and addresses from the swiftly expiring stool pigeon. His bachelor pad destroyed beyond repair, the peace and serenity of his home disturbed, it was time for some payback! Calling a taxi and exiting the scene, he mused on how strange it was that the police had yet to respond, and vanished into the deep night.
Another Deep Knight Mystery
Moderator: Deep Knight
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Deep Knight
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Another Deep Knight Mystery
"Follow the Money"
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Deep Knight
- Posts: 5397
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 4:42 am
- Location: Washington DC
Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
The Rise of Erasmus of America and the Battle in the Hollow Earth for the Stargate of Doom!
CHAPTER 1: The Chariot Warriors
“Agent Knight, you’ll be happy to know that the incident last night has been cleaned, covered up, and closed,” started the head of the Terror and Thwarting Division, “After a night of frenzied activity and building, everything is as it was, even the cloned ninja Slice Girls squad has been replaced. And we fixed the problem with Baby Slice’s soulless eyes being pitch black so that won’t creep you out anymore. Your neighbors still remember the whole bloody incident, but the cover story we put in place will make anyone they tell think they’re crazy. We’ve got nothing to worry about.”
“And what about this ‘Erasmus?’ If he tried to kill me once with full squad of heavily armed commandos, who knows what he might do next!
“Deep, if nothing else the Dark Agenda is committed to the health and well-being of their evil employees. We’ll do whatever is necessary to protect you! In fact, we’ve decided to put our best man on capturing or killing this “Erasmus of America.” By the way, our best man is you! Congratulations!”
Deep Knight came within a few milliseconds of telling his boss where to get off, but realized just in time that this would make his next book a bit too short with only a prologue and single chapter. “OK, boss, I’ll listen to your pitch. Just who is this ‘Erasmus?’”
“I’m not surprised you’ve never heard of him, like our founder Professor Moriarty, he’s a man of immense intellectual prowess who prefers to live in the background of modern life. His mother had the highest IQ ever measured, and his was even higher. But, unlike the Professor, he uses his skills for good rather than evil. We tried to recruit him when we heard what Einstein said about his skill in economics and his 11 calendar years at a 4-year military academy, but he was too clever for us and said ‘Get thee behind me!’ Ever since we’ve been bitter enemies, keeping his and his father’s inventions off the market and making him sound like a fool whenever he revealed the truth, such as the best way to mill grain!”
“If you know who he is, why not just have a group of our minions kill him? I mean, that’s what we pay them for! He can’t be so smart that he could outsmart 13 lethal paid assassins with automatic weapons, bazookas and claymore mines!”
“He is,” confirmed Deep’s satanic supervisor, “and every time we lose a minion there’s a ton of paperwork that needs to be completed, a day-long hearing, and friends, family and relatives of the deceased to eliminate. Not to mention explaining what happened to the chariots. No, it’s better to send in just one man, one man who doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘danger,’ one man who can turn the women he meets towards evil simply by satisfying their hidden carnal desires and finding shoes to match. In other words, the Casanova of American dark agendaism, Deep Knight. I could tell you more about Erasmus, such as how he discovered Jesus money, but it would bore your readers, so I’ll simply give you my briefs to read.”
“I’ll need your briefs in my hands immediately if I’m going to start before nightfall or first light.”
“We’ll get you anything you need, and I have my briefs right here,” said his boss, unbuckling his belt and surprising Deep who always assumed he wore boxers. “You have an unlimited expense account and the full support of any field agents you need, especially voluptuous female ones. And, due to the extreme importance of this extremely important mission, you’re authorized to use nuclear weapons. Good luck and good hunting!”
Agent Knight turned to leave, and was halfway to the door when the ten ton boulder slammed through the upper story window and onto the office’s desk. Deep turned to his boss and sensed the amazement in in face, even though it was now flattened beyond recognition by being in the massive stone’s path. Luckily, he still had his now-ex-bosses briefs, and he smiled when he thought about the embarrassment it would cause the county coroner.” At least my face and underwear are intact,” thought our hero, knowing that rock was meant to punch his clock. He not only didn’t believe in coincidence, but peering through the new hole in side of The Dark Agenda Headquarters Building, he noticed a Roman-style catapult parked out on the street.
CHAPTER 1: The Chariot Warriors
“Agent Knight, you’ll be happy to know that the incident last night has been cleaned, covered up, and closed,” started the head of the Terror and Thwarting Division, “After a night of frenzied activity and building, everything is as it was, even the cloned ninja Slice Girls squad has been replaced. And we fixed the problem with Baby Slice’s soulless eyes being pitch black so that won’t creep you out anymore. Your neighbors still remember the whole bloody incident, but the cover story we put in place will make anyone they tell think they’re crazy. We’ve got nothing to worry about.”
“And what about this ‘Erasmus?’ If he tried to kill me once with full squad of heavily armed commandos, who knows what he might do next!
“Deep, if nothing else the Dark Agenda is committed to the health and well-being of their evil employees. We’ll do whatever is necessary to protect you! In fact, we’ve decided to put our best man on capturing or killing this “Erasmus of America.” By the way, our best man is you! Congratulations!”
Deep Knight came within a few milliseconds of telling his boss where to get off, but realized just in time that this would make his next book a bit too short with only a prologue and single chapter. “OK, boss, I’ll listen to your pitch. Just who is this ‘Erasmus?’”
“I’m not surprised you’ve never heard of him, like our founder Professor Moriarty, he’s a man of immense intellectual prowess who prefers to live in the background of modern life. His mother had the highest IQ ever measured, and his was even higher. But, unlike the Professor, he uses his skills for good rather than evil. We tried to recruit him when we heard what Einstein said about his skill in economics and his 11 calendar years at a 4-year military academy, but he was too clever for us and said ‘Get thee behind me!’ Ever since we’ve been bitter enemies, keeping his and his father’s inventions off the market and making him sound like a fool whenever he revealed the truth, such as the best way to mill grain!”
“If you know who he is, why not just have a group of our minions kill him? I mean, that’s what we pay them for! He can’t be so smart that he could outsmart 13 lethal paid assassins with automatic weapons, bazookas and claymore mines!”
“He is,” confirmed Deep’s satanic supervisor, “and every time we lose a minion there’s a ton of paperwork that needs to be completed, a day-long hearing, and friends, family and relatives of the deceased to eliminate. Not to mention explaining what happened to the chariots. No, it’s better to send in just one man, one man who doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘danger,’ one man who can turn the women he meets towards evil simply by satisfying their hidden carnal desires and finding shoes to match. In other words, the Casanova of American dark agendaism, Deep Knight. I could tell you more about Erasmus, such as how he discovered Jesus money, but it would bore your readers, so I’ll simply give you my briefs to read.”
“I’ll need your briefs in my hands immediately if I’m going to start before nightfall or first light.”
“We’ll get you anything you need, and I have my briefs right here,” said his boss, unbuckling his belt and surprising Deep who always assumed he wore boxers. “You have an unlimited expense account and the full support of any field agents you need, especially voluptuous female ones. And, due to the extreme importance of this extremely important mission, you’re authorized to use nuclear weapons. Good luck and good hunting!”
Agent Knight turned to leave, and was halfway to the door when the ten ton boulder slammed through the upper story window and onto the office’s desk. Deep turned to his boss and sensed the amazement in in face, even though it was now flattened beyond recognition by being in the massive stone’s path. Luckily, he still had his now-ex-bosses briefs, and he smiled when he thought about the embarrassment it would cause the county coroner.” At least my face and underwear are intact,” thought our hero, knowing that rock was meant to punch his clock. He not only didn’t believe in coincidence, but peering through the new hole in side of The Dark Agenda Headquarters Building, he noticed a Roman-style catapult parked out on the street.
"Follow the Money"
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Deep Knight
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Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
The Rise of Erasmus of America and the Battle in the Hollow Earth for the Stargate of Doom!
CHAPTER 2: The Royal Scythians
Swearing revenge, Deep Knight led the men tailing him on a wild chase, finally losing them near the Peruvian border. Quickly returning home disguised as a Greek Orthodox priest, our hero stopped at his now-reconstructed penthouse apartment just long enough to pick up the Slice Girls, a toothbrush, razor, a couple changes of underwear, and a few thousand rounds of ammunition. His apartment being under surveillance, he sent the Slice Girls down first to dice up anyone who happened to be in the area, and then they made a dash for it. Once again leaving false trails and no stone unturned, they shook-off any pursuers, dead or alive, and made it down to Washington DC’s seedy docks located on the wrong side of the tracks. Their journey there was uneventful, with only a handful of innocent civilians dead and no buildings blown up what-so-ever.
Deep Knight might not be as smart as Erasmus of America, but he was smart enough to not use a car, airplane, or train for travel. Because Washington was getting a bit too hot for him, this left only boats and tunneling, and he didn’t want to spend the next few years digging. Luckily he had access to the latest in stealth boating technology from the Illuminati's Q Branch. Not only did this luxury yacht, The Royal Draconian, have a dozen cabins with large beds and go over 60 knots in super-hydrofoil mode, it didn’t show up on radar and looked to the naked eye like the boat from Gilligan’s Island. In fact, the crew consisted of Dark Agenda agents surgically altered to look like the characters from that 60’s TV show. The Slice Girls each claimed a cabin, and after returning to the dock to permanently silence any witnesses, “The Skipper” cast off. Slowly and under the cover of darkness, the boat made its way down the Potomac and out into the Pacific on what was registered to be a “3 hour cruise.”
The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed – or that’s how it appeared. In reality it was a holographic image projected around a much larger ship with all the latest hydraulic stabilizing equipment. Inside, sailing was smooth as Deep relaxed in his cabin with a normal-eyed Baby Slice and “Mrs. Howell,” who was surprisingly attractive for a woman surgically altered to be her age. She also had a certain skill with the whip, a talent she learned at a class sponsored by the AARP. Soon, the stabilized-but-still-lulling waves sent our exhausted lovers to dreamland, where visions of sugar plum fairies danced in their heads, well, all except for Agent Knight’s because that would have been too homo-erotic. His dream had to do with a huge vat of whipped cream and a woman’s roller ball team fully suited up in pads. But the childlike slumber of the Dark Agenda was suddenly, and without warning, ripped to shreds like something violently torn asunder, for example, the bottom of The Royal Draconian going off course on autopilot and meeting some unexpected rocks.
CHAPTER 2: The Royal Scythians
Swearing revenge, Deep Knight led the men tailing him on a wild chase, finally losing them near the Peruvian border. Quickly returning home disguised as a Greek Orthodox priest, our hero stopped at his now-reconstructed penthouse apartment just long enough to pick up the Slice Girls, a toothbrush, razor, a couple changes of underwear, and a few thousand rounds of ammunition. His apartment being under surveillance, he sent the Slice Girls down first to dice up anyone who happened to be in the area, and then they made a dash for it. Once again leaving false trails and no stone unturned, they shook-off any pursuers, dead or alive, and made it down to Washington DC’s seedy docks located on the wrong side of the tracks. Their journey there was uneventful, with only a handful of innocent civilians dead and no buildings blown up what-so-ever.
Deep Knight might not be as smart as Erasmus of America, but he was smart enough to not use a car, airplane, or train for travel. Because Washington was getting a bit too hot for him, this left only boats and tunneling, and he didn’t want to spend the next few years digging. Luckily he had access to the latest in stealth boating technology from the Illuminati's Q Branch. Not only did this luxury yacht, The Royal Draconian, have a dozen cabins with large beds and go over 60 knots in super-hydrofoil mode, it didn’t show up on radar and looked to the naked eye like the boat from Gilligan’s Island. In fact, the crew consisted of Dark Agenda agents surgically altered to look like the characters from that 60’s TV show. The Slice Girls each claimed a cabin, and after returning to the dock to permanently silence any witnesses, “The Skipper” cast off. Slowly and under the cover of darkness, the boat made its way down the Potomac and out into the Pacific on what was registered to be a “3 hour cruise.”
The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed – or that’s how it appeared. In reality it was a holographic image projected around a much larger ship with all the latest hydraulic stabilizing equipment. Inside, sailing was smooth as Deep relaxed in his cabin with a normal-eyed Baby Slice and “Mrs. Howell,” who was surprisingly attractive for a woman surgically altered to be her age. She also had a certain skill with the whip, a talent she learned at a class sponsored by the AARP. Soon, the stabilized-but-still-lulling waves sent our exhausted lovers to dreamland, where visions of sugar plum fairies danced in their heads, well, all except for Agent Knight’s because that would have been too homo-erotic. His dream had to do with a huge vat of whipped cream and a woman’s roller ball team fully suited up in pads. But the childlike slumber of the Dark Agenda was suddenly, and without warning, ripped to shreds like something violently torn asunder, for example, the bottom of The Royal Draconian going off course on autopilot and meeting some unexpected rocks.
"Follow the Money"
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Deep Knight
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- Location: Washington DC
Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
The Rise of Erasmus of America and the Battle in the Hollow Earth for the Stargate of Doom!
CHAPTER 3: Between Roman and Chinese Legions
Deep Knight was lucky that Baby Slice still was padded with what-passed-at-a-distance-for baby-fat, or he would have had some nasty bruises when he, Baby, and “Mrs. Howell” hit the bulkhead. Untangling himself from older-passing-as-young and younger-passing-as-old naked flesh, he ran to the deck expecting to find their stealth ship under attack. Instead he found it aground on the shore of an uncharted desert isle, the company and crew almost intact. The only casualties were “Gilligan,” who all agreed was too annoying anyway, and “The Skipper” who decided to go down with his ship, even though it was grounded and not sinking.
Realizing that he hadn’t a minute to lose, Agent Knight surveyed the situation and decided to return to bed. It wasn’t just that he had been burning his candle at both ends, he had never learned to use the GPS on his phone and knew he would have to wait for first light to figure out where they were. Besides, he had put in a lot of overtime recently and evil would just have to take care of itself for a while and not need Deep to pick it up and brush it off.
Awaking late and having a long, lazy breakfast in bed with “MaryAnn” and “Ginger,” Deep Knight finally played around with his smart phone until he discovered that they were on “The Shipwreck Coast” of South Carolina, near the town of Seneca, "The Boil on the Bum of The South." The area was bleak and showed little signs of life outside of a military-style compound filled with men in ancient Roman army uniforms. Agent Knight, figuring it was some spin-off of those people who spend their summer vacations reenacting Civil War battles, decided to ignore it and instead focus on a group of Chinese wearing brightly colored outfits who were gathering by the rusted-out wreck of a luxury liner. Suddenly, but this time with warning, they started running and screaming towards our hero’s location, carrying banners and a 12-person paper dragon and shooting off fireworks. At the same instant, the gates to the compound opened and faux Roman soldiers with red capes and gold helmets streamed out on a collision course. Two immovable objects were moving towards each other with Deep Knight, the Slice Girls, and what remained of the castaways in the middle. Surely a recipe for disaster.
Cupping the well-formed breast of Serial Killer Slice in one gentle hand, Deep recalled his years in service to evil, killing, maiming, breaking up families, and starving puppies. Good times and a career he could look back on in pride after he had left these mortal coils, an event which appeared to be imminent. But this wasn’t the first time he had escaped from certain death this week, and it likely wouldn’t be the last. Gritting his teeth, he surrounded himself with his cloned ninja swordgirls and waited for the clash of these two titanic, silly-looking armies.
CHAPTER 3: Between Roman and Chinese Legions
Deep Knight was lucky that Baby Slice still was padded with what-passed-at-a-distance-for baby-fat, or he would have had some nasty bruises when he, Baby, and “Mrs. Howell” hit the bulkhead. Untangling himself from older-passing-as-young and younger-passing-as-old naked flesh, he ran to the deck expecting to find their stealth ship under attack. Instead he found it aground on the shore of an uncharted desert isle, the company and crew almost intact. The only casualties were “Gilligan,” who all agreed was too annoying anyway, and “The Skipper” who decided to go down with his ship, even though it was grounded and not sinking.
Realizing that he hadn’t a minute to lose, Agent Knight surveyed the situation and decided to return to bed. It wasn’t just that he had been burning his candle at both ends, he had never learned to use the GPS on his phone and knew he would have to wait for first light to figure out where they were. Besides, he had put in a lot of overtime recently and evil would just have to take care of itself for a while and not need Deep to pick it up and brush it off.
Awaking late and having a long, lazy breakfast in bed with “MaryAnn” and “Ginger,” Deep Knight finally played around with his smart phone until he discovered that they were on “The Shipwreck Coast” of South Carolina, near the town of Seneca, "The Boil on the Bum of The South." The area was bleak and showed little signs of life outside of a military-style compound filled with men in ancient Roman army uniforms. Agent Knight, figuring it was some spin-off of those people who spend their summer vacations reenacting Civil War battles, decided to ignore it and instead focus on a group of Chinese wearing brightly colored outfits who were gathering by the rusted-out wreck of a luxury liner. Suddenly, but this time with warning, they started running and screaming towards our hero’s location, carrying banners and a 12-person paper dragon and shooting off fireworks. At the same instant, the gates to the compound opened and faux Roman soldiers with red capes and gold helmets streamed out on a collision course. Two immovable objects were moving towards each other with Deep Knight, the Slice Girls, and what remained of the castaways in the middle. Surely a recipe for disaster.
Cupping the well-formed breast of Serial Killer Slice in one gentle hand, Deep recalled his years in service to evil, killing, maiming, breaking up families, and starving puppies. Good times and a career he could look back on in pride after he had left these mortal coils, an event which appeared to be imminent. But this wasn’t the first time he had escaped from certain death this week, and it likely wouldn’t be the last. Gritting his teeth, he surrounded himself with his cloned ninja swordgirls and waited for the clash of these two titanic, silly-looking armies.
"Follow the Money"
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Deep Knight
- Posts: 5397
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 4:42 am
- Location: Washington DC
Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
The Rise of Erasmus of America and the Battle in the Hollow Earth for the Stargate of Doom!
CHAPTER 4: The Age of Attila the Hun
Shouting and waving weapons, the two armed legions converged in what should have been a clash of blood and steel, but turned out to just be a clash. Soon they were shaking hands, laughing, and patting each other on the back. The crowd sort of engulfed Deep Knights much smaller group, half ignoring them, half grinning and saying “hello.” It turns out that both thought they were with the other group, and in the confusion no one thought to ask. Suddenly a man, who was by the amount of braid on his uniform was obviously a leader, walked into the throng and over to Deep Knight. Thinking it was over, that the grim reaper was reaping what he had sown, he braced for the blow.
“Drake! It’s good to finally meet you!” said the strange, funny-looking man, “I’m Martin Hunter, Erasmus of America being my pen name briefly because all the threats from the haters of God in America show why this pen name was briefly a justified act.”
“Um, er, gloooo…” mumbled Deep Knight, trying to get is rattled mind around what was going on. Could this be some clever ruse, or perhaps just a predator toying with his prey? And what were the odds they would shipwreck next to Erasmus’ compound more than a hundred miles inland and even further from the Pacific? So many questions, so little time, time which Agent Knight couldn’t waste if we was going to keep his testicles intact. Luckily for him, “Mrs. Howell” was as fast on the uptake as she was on the first date.
“Drake is overwhelmed to meet you,” cooed “Mrs. Howell,” “as am I.” Extending a hand, which Erasmus kissed, she poked Deep in the ribs a couple of times before he extended his to be kissed too.
“Pleased to meet you on the glorious day when the forces of the Black Dragon Family, the White Dragon Family, the Red Dragon Family and the Green Dragon Family all join in my holy crusade to rid the world of socialist Moslem Obama and get my $525,000 back!”
“Ah, the dragon families,” blurted out Agent Knight still wary of a trap, “we expected no less.”
Erasmus laughed heartily, “Yes, there’s no surprising you, except for the fact that we will be joined later by Sorcha Faal and the Cobra Resistance! Sorcha has a new source of hidden knowledge which will tell us the location of our sworn enemy, Deep Knight, and how old Attila the Hun is.”
After his last two adventures, Deep knew that Sorcha and Cobra would surely recognize him for who he really was, if he really was who he really was, and staying pain-free and alive would cease to be an option. Yet, it appeared that Erasmus was as clueless in real life as he was in his long and rambling writings, and the opportunity to infiltrate his unorganized militia was too valuable to pass up.
“Come, let us feast in my camp!” shouted Erasmus to the crowd. As if to buttress the “unorganized” part of their militia’s description, the Roman-costumed men started off in all directions, including into the far-off ocean. Grabbing a bullhorn and herding his troops like a pack of cats, in a few hours he had them gathered up, swilling beer and eating grits in his military compound. He was joined by the multiple colors of the dragon families, Deep, the Slice Girls, and the remaining members of the castaway crew except for “The Skipper,” who was still waiting for his ship to sink so he could go down with it.
CHAPTER 4: The Age of Attila the Hun
Shouting and waving weapons, the two armed legions converged in what should have been a clash of blood and steel, but turned out to just be a clash. Soon they were shaking hands, laughing, and patting each other on the back. The crowd sort of engulfed Deep Knights much smaller group, half ignoring them, half grinning and saying “hello.” It turns out that both thought they were with the other group, and in the confusion no one thought to ask. Suddenly a man, who was by the amount of braid on his uniform was obviously a leader, walked into the throng and over to Deep Knight. Thinking it was over, that the grim reaper was reaping what he had sown, he braced for the blow.
“Drake! It’s good to finally meet you!” said the strange, funny-looking man, “I’m Martin Hunter, Erasmus of America being my pen name briefly because all the threats from the haters of God in America show why this pen name was briefly a justified act.”
“Um, er, gloooo…” mumbled Deep Knight, trying to get is rattled mind around what was going on. Could this be some clever ruse, or perhaps just a predator toying with his prey? And what were the odds they would shipwreck next to Erasmus’ compound more than a hundred miles inland and even further from the Pacific? So many questions, so little time, time which Agent Knight couldn’t waste if we was going to keep his testicles intact. Luckily for him, “Mrs. Howell” was as fast on the uptake as she was on the first date.
“Drake is overwhelmed to meet you,” cooed “Mrs. Howell,” “as am I.” Extending a hand, which Erasmus kissed, she poked Deep in the ribs a couple of times before he extended his to be kissed too.
“Pleased to meet you on the glorious day when the forces of the Black Dragon Family, the White Dragon Family, the Red Dragon Family and the Green Dragon Family all join in my holy crusade to rid the world of socialist Moslem Obama and get my $525,000 back!”
“Ah, the dragon families,” blurted out Agent Knight still wary of a trap, “we expected no less.”
Erasmus laughed heartily, “Yes, there’s no surprising you, except for the fact that we will be joined later by Sorcha Faal and the Cobra Resistance! Sorcha has a new source of hidden knowledge which will tell us the location of our sworn enemy, Deep Knight, and how old Attila the Hun is.”
After his last two adventures, Deep knew that Sorcha and Cobra would surely recognize him for who he really was, if he really was who he really was, and staying pain-free and alive would cease to be an option. Yet, it appeared that Erasmus was as clueless in real life as he was in his long and rambling writings, and the opportunity to infiltrate his unorganized militia was too valuable to pass up.
“Come, let us feast in my camp!” shouted Erasmus to the crowd. As if to buttress the “unorganized” part of their militia’s description, the Roman-costumed men started off in all directions, including into the far-off ocean. Grabbing a bullhorn and herding his troops like a pack of cats, in a few hours he had them gathered up, swilling beer and eating grits in his military compound. He was joined by the multiple colors of the dragon families, Deep, the Slice Girls, and the remaining members of the castaway crew except for “The Skipper,” who was still waiting for his ship to sink so he could go down with it.
"Follow the Money"
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Deep Knight
- Posts: 5397
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 4:42 am
- Location: Washington DC
Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
The Rise of Erasmus of America and the Battle in the Hollow Earth for the Stargate of Doom!
CHAPTER 5: The Turk Empire
“Let us feast together, my friends!” suggested Erasmus of America, “We have a meal fit for an emperor, starting with Southern-style spit-roasted turkey. Our world-famous chef, Phlegm Snopes from Yoknapatawpha County, Mississippi, provided the spit.”
Deep made a mental note to avoid any food not in a tamper-proof packaging and formulated his next move. Never one for complicated plans, he believed in action, and of course self-preservation. He figured he would have a Slice Girl lure Erasmus off somewhere private where she could split, gut and fillet him with one sword stroke. Or, if he didn’t like girls, Deep himself would lead him off to meet one of the Slice Girls for an extremely brief threesome. Whichever the case, he should act soon, because who knew when the real Drake would show up, and for that matter Sorcha Faal, either as herself or as Cobra. Either one would blow his cover, and since he’d killed Sorcha half a dozen times in his last two novels, the wily shape-shifter was primed for revenge!
His answer wasn’t long coming. An on-duty guard entered the festivities and told Erasmus that a man calling himself “Drake” was at the compound gate. Once told of his appearance, Erasmus didn’t hesitate but said, “Then that can’t be him, because that’s his disguise. It’s also the guise an enemy agent would use to try and infiltrate us, a tactic I’ve been expecting! Rough him up, torture him, and then throw him in ‘The Box’ to sweat it out for a few days, only occasionally taking him out to rough up and torture some more.”
He turned to Deep Knight, who had been sweating bullets and close to messing his pants. “You see that we’re smart boys here. I myself was 11 years at military academies, learning everything there is to know about rooting out spies. A well-known secret ‘who’s who’ organization rated me the Helen Keller of American counter-espionage. But, as soon as we’re joined with the Cobra Resistance and the Sisters of Sorcha Faal, we will be unbeatable and won’t have to worry about catching and killing spies anymore, unless it’s for fun. Like wiping out that thorn in our side, the man who’s best at being bad, and despoiler of women. I assume you know who I mean…”
“We do not speak his name,” said Deep Knight, “it is bad juju, but I know who you mean. Especially after the ‘despoiler of women’ part.”
“I am afraid of no man!” shouted Erasmus, “I say we drink a toast. To the horrible and rapid death of Deep Knight! May he be dropped into hot sulphuric acid and inch by inch dropped down until his entire body is eaten up by acid which will scientifically likely be the most painful slow death any bad guy has ever suffered in human history for planned treason against his own people.”
Not having a drink in his hand, Deep Knight wasn’t forced to drink to his own corrosive demise, but did notice the Slice Girls slamming down their mint juleps. Suddenly, a clever gambit occurred to Deep Knight, and he sprung it. “So, you would be surprised to know that Sorcha Faal and Cobra are the same person, a shape shifting alien who’s been cynically playing both sides against the middle! Right now she/he/it’s switched sides and is working for… OK, if you can say it I can say it, Deep Knight and his NWO minions! A snake or snakes in our midst!”
CHAPTER 5: The Turk Empire
“Let us feast together, my friends!” suggested Erasmus of America, “We have a meal fit for an emperor, starting with Southern-style spit-roasted turkey. Our world-famous chef, Phlegm Snopes from Yoknapatawpha County, Mississippi, provided the spit.”
Deep made a mental note to avoid any food not in a tamper-proof packaging and formulated his next move. Never one for complicated plans, he believed in action, and of course self-preservation. He figured he would have a Slice Girl lure Erasmus off somewhere private where she could split, gut and fillet him with one sword stroke. Or, if he didn’t like girls, Deep himself would lead him off to meet one of the Slice Girls for an extremely brief threesome. Whichever the case, he should act soon, because who knew when the real Drake would show up, and for that matter Sorcha Faal, either as herself or as Cobra. Either one would blow his cover, and since he’d killed Sorcha half a dozen times in his last two novels, the wily shape-shifter was primed for revenge!
His answer wasn’t long coming. An on-duty guard entered the festivities and told Erasmus that a man calling himself “Drake” was at the compound gate. Once told of his appearance, Erasmus didn’t hesitate but said, “Then that can’t be him, because that’s his disguise. It’s also the guise an enemy agent would use to try and infiltrate us, a tactic I’ve been expecting! Rough him up, torture him, and then throw him in ‘The Box’ to sweat it out for a few days, only occasionally taking him out to rough up and torture some more.”
He turned to Deep Knight, who had been sweating bullets and close to messing his pants. “You see that we’re smart boys here. I myself was 11 years at military academies, learning everything there is to know about rooting out spies. A well-known secret ‘who’s who’ organization rated me the Helen Keller of American counter-espionage. But, as soon as we’re joined with the Cobra Resistance and the Sisters of Sorcha Faal, we will be unbeatable and won’t have to worry about catching and killing spies anymore, unless it’s for fun. Like wiping out that thorn in our side, the man who’s best at being bad, and despoiler of women. I assume you know who I mean…”
“We do not speak his name,” said Deep Knight, “it is bad juju, but I know who you mean. Especially after the ‘despoiler of women’ part.”
“I am afraid of no man!” shouted Erasmus, “I say we drink a toast. To the horrible and rapid death of Deep Knight! May he be dropped into hot sulphuric acid and inch by inch dropped down until his entire body is eaten up by acid which will scientifically likely be the most painful slow death any bad guy has ever suffered in human history for planned treason against his own people.”
Not having a drink in his hand, Deep Knight wasn’t forced to drink to his own corrosive demise, but did notice the Slice Girls slamming down their mint juleps. Suddenly, a clever gambit occurred to Deep Knight, and he sprung it. “So, you would be surprised to know that Sorcha Faal and Cobra are the same person, a shape shifting alien who’s been cynically playing both sides against the middle! Right now she/he/it’s switched sides and is working for… OK, if you can say it I can say it, Deep Knight and his NWO minions! A snake or snakes in our midst!”
"Follow the Money"
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Deep Knight
- Posts: 5397
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 4:42 am
- Location: Washington DC
Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
The Rise of Erasmus of America and the Battle in the Hollow Earth for the Stargate of Doom!
CHAPTER 6: The Silk Road, Revolution, and Collapse
“Impossible!” burst out Erasmus when Deep Knight told him of Sorcha Faal’s true shapeshifter form, “I’m very smart at gender identification, I was known as the Lewis and Clark of American anatomy, and that woo-woo was the real thing, unlike that incident last year.”
“No, honorable Erasmus,” said an aged Chinese sage, “As celestial elder of the Black Dragon Tong, er, Family I can assure you that we have known that this one was a shapeshifter ever since it shape shifted while being monitored by our security cameras. You can watch it on YouTube. She is not a woman or a man or a human, but what we call in the Middle Kingdom MuGuXuZhuMaMa, or in your tongue, ‘foreign alien known to be untrustworthy.’”
“No!” he cried with tears in his eyes, “She told me she loved me! I gave her my heart, and $25,000 I’ll probably never see again.”
“We’ve all been there, Erasmus ol’ buddy. My ex-wife had me put away a couple of times, but that’s the story of, that’s the glory of, love,” confessed Agent Knight posing as Drake. “So you’ve been used and discarded like a worn-out pair of knickers, you’ve got to stand up and tell the world that frankly, you don’t give a damn. After all, tomorrow is another day!”
“Has any man suffered as much as I have for his people?” cried out Erasmus, “But it is as I had anticipated, our recent drive to drive a stake in the heart of Deep Knight has made him desperate enough to violate the trust between a man and what honest-to-god appeared to be a woman and her collection of adult toys. I gave her diamonds, I gave her silks, she gave me heartache and misery. As the Soviet spy head said and as reported by the F.B.I. informant to J. Edgar Hoover, he said I had saved America by one weird little trick Hitler used in the bedroom! Then again, this treasonous treachery is proof that they are losing and we are winning!”
Standing on his throne-like chair, Erasmus spoke forcefully with his thin, tinny voice. “Men, we are expecting the arrival of the turncoat Cobra Resistance and faithless Sisters of Sorcha Faal at any moment. Let’s give them a warm welcome with the new flame throwers we mounted at the gate yesterday.”
Deep smiled and went to have a talk with “Mrs. Howell.” With a little luck and a couple tablets of Viagra, heartbroken, on-the-rebound Erasmus would be putty in her hands, hands that would lead him to his doom!
CHAPTER 6: The Silk Road, Revolution, and Collapse
“Impossible!” burst out Erasmus when Deep Knight told him of Sorcha Faal’s true shapeshifter form, “I’m very smart at gender identification, I was known as the Lewis and Clark of American anatomy, and that woo-woo was the real thing, unlike that incident last year.”
“No, honorable Erasmus,” said an aged Chinese sage, “As celestial elder of the Black Dragon Tong, er, Family I can assure you that we have known that this one was a shapeshifter ever since it shape shifted while being monitored by our security cameras. You can watch it on YouTube. She is not a woman or a man or a human, but what we call in the Middle Kingdom MuGuXuZhuMaMa, or in your tongue, ‘foreign alien known to be untrustworthy.’”
“No!” he cried with tears in his eyes, “She told me she loved me! I gave her my heart, and $25,000 I’ll probably never see again.”
“We’ve all been there, Erasmus ol’ buddy. My ex-wife had me put away a couple of times, but that’s the story of, that’s the glory of, love,” confessed Agent Knight posing as Drake. “So you’ve been used and discarded like a worn-out pair of knickers, you’ve got to stand up and tell the world that frankly, you don’t give a damn. After all, tomorrow is another day!”
“Has any man suffered as much as I have for his people?” cried out Erasmus, “But it is as I had anticipated, our recent drive to drive a stake in the heart of Deep Knight has made him desperate enough to violate the trust between a man and what honest-to-god appeared to be a woman and her collection of adult toys. I gave her diamonds, I gave her silks, she gave me heartache and misery. As the Soviet spy head said and as reported by the F.B.I. informant to J. Edgar Hoover, he said I had saved America by one weird little trick Hitler used in the bedroom! Then again, this treasonous treachery is proof that they are losing and we are winning!”
Standing on his throne-like chair, Erasmus spoke forcefully with his thin, tinny voice. “Men, we are expecting the arrival of the turncoat Cobra Resistance and faithless Sisters of Sorcha Faal at any moment. Let’s give them a warm welcome with the new flame throwers we mounted at the gate yesterday.”
Deep smiled and went to have a talk with “Mrs. Howell.” With a little luck and a couple tablets of Viagra, heartbroken, on-the-rebound Erasmus would be putty in her hands, hands that would lead him to his doom!
"Follow the Money"
-
Deep Knight
- Posts: 5397
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 4:42 am
- Location: Washington DC
Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
The Rise of Erasmus of America and the Battle in the Hollow Earth for the Stargate of Doom!
CHAPTER 7: The Vikings and Cathay
Most men would have a certain organ swell if they were slipped a couple Viagra tablets by a homicidal adversary mistaken for an ally. An organ whose name, when applied to the entire person, was far from flattering. Erasmus of America was one of those people, so the boner pills made his ego became a whole lot larger and mind and body stiffer.
“I was clever at law and had the first of the descendant Jefferson Davis families sign over all claims to the Confederate Government and Confederate States of America by having him sign the legal document that on behalf of his great grandfather Jefferson Davis, he appointed me Commander-in-Chief of the Confederate Armed Forces! He maybe didn't know constitutional law, but modeled after the U.S. Constitution, the Confederate Constitution is exactly the same except it has extra provisions, such as the presidency being passed down through families. It also says that with that legal grant of authority it made me the President of the Confederate Government and Confederate States of America. I also got authority afterwards from two other branches of the Davis family where they consented to the authority granted by the first Davis family and threw in an appointment as Postmaster General. And the documentation was submitted to a British Commonwealth Parliament elsewhere, and I do mean elsewhere, and they legally recognized under international law that the Confederate Government and Confederate States of America had never legally surrendered to the federal union under Wash., D.C. because of errors in the paperwork, and therefore the Southern States were still legally an independent nation and I held the legal authority for the national government of the Southern States of America but called the Confederate States of America or just good ol’ Dixie. Southern leaders and the Minnesota Vikings football team examined these documents, certified they were real and legally binding for the South, and so Judge Roy Bean agreed to be Vice President under the Provisional Confederate Government of the Confederate States of America with me as the legally recognized President and possessing all authority for the non-surrendered Confederate Government of the Confederate States of America. You’d like the Judge, he’s 187 years old and can still piss vinegar!”
Deep Knight would have killed Erasmus right then and there just to shut him up, but he decided to try once more to get him interested in Slice Girl assistance in sexually healing his just-failed romance with Sorcha Faal. “Yes, the South shall rise again! And the recipients of that rise shall be the fair women of the South! Did I mention that one of my fellow patriots, Cathay, was a southern belle from Virginia who only had that Yankee accent because she’s incognito? I’m sure she would love to help the President of her true country relax in the back.”
His eyes glazed and his whole body flushed and trembling, Erasmus continued, “This was a deadly legal move and frankly rather scared Wash., D.C. when they first found out about this including the British Commonwealth Parliament recognizing this as valid under the international law of the chicken of the sea. Scared because we didn’t want tuna with good taste, we wanted tuna that tastes good.“
“I think you’ve tasted tuna enough for one day,” said Deep trying to fake concern. “Luckily the women I’m with are all trained nurses and will immediately see to his needs, somewhere in the back.”
Just then, a badly-played bugle sounded and one of Erasmus’ men ran in. “Hail Caesar! They’re approaching the gate,” he said bowing, “Oh great First Tribute, President of good ol’ Dixie, Czar of all the Russias, we are ready to repel them with a rain of fire and high-velocity projectiles!”
“I wanna see! I wanna see!” croaked Erasmus gleefully, stiffly getting out of his throne and falling flat on his face.
“Nurse! Nurse!” yelled Deep Knight, winking to the Slice Girls. But, before they could carry him off for dismemberment, his faithful men picked him up and carried him, beet red and babbling, out the door and up an observation tower. Deep and “Mrs. Howell” joined him, hoping to find an opportunity in the chaos of battle to add one more casualty in the bloodbath that was surely only seconds away.
Sorcha, shapeshifted into the guise of Cobra wearing a uniform even more gaudy than Erasmus’, approached the front gate and gave a Roman salute. She/her/it got a stream of liquid fire in return! Unfortunately for Erasmus’ men, the fluid inferno fell far, far short of their aiming point and started the lawn and part of the wooden palisade that made up their compound wall on fire instead. Then, the flamethrowers themselves erupted in flames. Forewarned, the combined forces of the Cobra resistance and Sisters of Sorcha Faal lobbed a couple dozen grenades at the base of the front gate, blowing a hole big enough to drive a Sherman tank through, which just happened to be moving up the road and towards it, and the game was on!
CHAPTER 7: The Vikings and Cathay
Most men would have a certain organ swell if they were slipped a couple Viagra tablets by a homicidal adversary mistaken for an ally. An organ whose name, when applied to the entire person, was far from flattering. Erasmus of America was one of those people, so the boner pills made his ego became a whole lot larger and mind and body stiffer.
“I was clever at law and had the first of the descendant Jefferson Davis families sign over all claims to the Confederate Government and Confederate States of America by having him sign the legal document that on behalf of his great grandfather Jefferson Davis, he appointed me Commander-in-Chief of the Confederate Armed Forces! He maybe didn't know constitutional law, but modeled after the U.S. Constitution, the Confederate Constitution is exactly the same except it has extra provisions, such as the presidency being passed down through families. It also says that with that legal grant of authority it made me the President of the Confederate Government and Confederate States of America. I also got authority afterwards from two other branches of the Davis family where they consented to the authority granted by the first Davis family and threw in an appointment as Postmaster General. And the documentation was submitted to a British Commonwealth Parliament elsewhere, and I do mean elsewhere, and they legally recognized under international law that the Confederate Government and Confederate States of America had never legally surrendered to the federal union under Wash., D.C. because of errors in the paperwork, and therefore the Southern States were still legally an independent nation and I held the legal authority for the national government of the Southern States of America but called the Confederate States of America or just good ol’ Dixie. Southern leaders and the Minnesota Vikings football team examined these documents, certified they were real and legally binding for the South, and so Judge Roy Bean agreed to be Vice President under the Provisional Confederate Government of the Confederate States of America with me as the legally recognized President and possessing all authority for the non-surrendered Confederate Government of the Confederate States of America. You’d like the Judge, he’s 187 years old and can still piss vinegar!”
Deep Knight would have killed Erasmus right then and there just to shut him up, but he decided to try once more to get him interested in Slice Girl assistance in sexually healing his just-failed romance with Sorcha Faal. “Yes, the South shall rise again! And the recipients of that rise shall be the fair women of the South! Did I mention that one of my fellow patriots, Cathay, was a southern belle from Virginia who only had that Yankee accent because she’s incognito? I’m sure she would love to help the President of her true country relax in the back.”
His eyes glazed and his whole body flushed and trembling, Erasmus continued, “This was a deadly legal move and frankly rather scared Wash., D.C. when they first found out about this including the British Commonwealth Parliament recognizing this as valid under the international law of the chicken of the sea. Scared because we didn’t want tuna with good taste, we wanted tuna that tastes good.“
“I think you’ve tasted tuna enough for one day,” said Deep trying to fake concern. “Luckily the women I’m with are all trained nurses and will immediately see to his needs, somewhere in the back.”
Just then, a badly-played bugle sounded and one of Erasmus’ men ran in. “Hail Caesar! They’re approaching the gate,” he said bowing, “Oh great First Tribute, President of good ol’ Dixie, Czar of all the Russias, we are ready to repel them with a rain of fire and high-velocity projectiles!”
“I wanna see! I wanna see!” croaked Erasmus gleefully, stiffly getting out of his throne and falling flat on his face.
“Nurse! Nurse!” yelled Deep Knight, winking to the Slice Girls. But, before they could carry him off for dismemberment, his faithful men picked him up and carried him, beet red and babbling, out the door and up an observation tower. Deep and “Mrs. Howell” joined him, hoping to find an opportunity in the chaos of battle to add one more casualty in the bloodbath that was surely only seconds away.
Sorcha, shapeshifted into the guise of Cobra wearing a uniform even more gaudy than Erasmus’, approached the front gate and gave a Roman salute. She/her/it got a stream of liquid fire in return! Unfortunately for Erasmus’ men, the fluid inferno fell far, far short of their aiming point and started the lawn and part of the wooden palisade that made up their compound wall on fire instead. Then, the flamethrowers themselves erupted in flames. Forewarned, the combined forces of the Cobra resistance and Sisters of Sorcha Faal lobbed a couple dozen grenades at the base of the front gate, blowing a hole big enough to drive a Sherman tank through, which just happened to be moving up the road and towards it, and the game was on!
"Follow the Money"
-
Deep Knight
- Posts: 5397
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 4:42 am
- Location: Washington DC
Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
The Rise of Erasmus of America and the Battle in the Hollow Earth for the Stargate of Doom!
CHAPTER 8: Chinggis Khan and the Mongol Conquests
The battle was as brief as it was silly. The screeching Sherman tank, stolen from an army surplus outlet’s front display, had not been maintained and ground to a halt as the right track split and fed back into the mechanism. The fire at the compound wall spread rapidly through a Rube-Goldberg series of bad choices for storing flammable materials, ending up in the middle of the compound where the fireworks had been stored by the Chinese dragon families for that night’s anti-NWO hoe-down. A spectacular collection of exploding rockets took off first, causing both sides to lay down their arms and surrender.
As the fire grew in size, the Chinese visitors exhibited some of that wisdom of the East you hear about, and left. Silently, but rapidly, they exited through the back gate, taking their 12-man paper dragon with them. Deep decided to follow their example, with Erasmus in tow, of course. He seemed like an idiot to Deep Knight, but you never knew what information a little torture might tease out of his tiny brain. Besides, a quick, easy death, even if it was long and painful, would be too good for him.
“Quickly your Czarness, we must flee!” he requested of the now-drooling Erasmus, a near-lethal dose of Viagra having been slipped in his mint juleps. It had been stiffening everything but what it had been designed for, but suddenly as if to mock agent Knight’s efforts caused a small but noticeable tent in his pants. “The South has risen again,” Erasmus screamed against the chaos and flames, “my dingus needs some chinggis.”
“Mrs. Howell” bent down, placed a kiss on his bloated lips, and touched him like someone who knew him but didn’t care. She smiled, and started to exit the observation platform, swaying her fanny like a southern belle in heat. As if picked up and pulled along by some invisible force, Erasmus followed her. Deep Knight and the Slice Girls followed through the back gate, getting into an old RV converted into a “mobile command center” which Deep hot-wired. Erasmus, who the women had to restrain from removing his pants, announced, “A pretty girl is like a melody,” and started singing and dancing. The song was “That’s the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it” and the dance some abomination no man dare call by name.
Driving off into the sunset, Deep hoped they could find a way out of South Carolina without getting somehow drawn into the hollow earth. He knew how these adventure worked, he had been expecting Mongol hordes all chapter, and just wanted to either kill Erasmus or drop him of for “debriefing,” where his briefs weren’t the only thing painfully removed. But one thing he knew, if Sorcha was once again on his trail, his adventure was far from over! And, it would be good to kill her again, just for old time’s sake.
Erasmus was badly imitating a French accent and inviting various Slice Girls to meet him at the Casbah, which apparently was a lumpy fold-out couch he was laying provocatively on. His targets were fingering their swords with “come hither so I can emasculate you” looks on their faces. In the rear view mirror Deep Knight could see “Mrs. Howell” giving him the eye and the glow of the no-doubt-now-out-of-control compound fire above the Dutch elm and blighted chestnut forest.
Suddenly, directly in front of them on the road, was a police roadblock. Deep looked for a side road, but there was nothing he could do either with the RV or for Erasmus, who was now singing “Love to Love You Baby” complete with pelvic thrusts. Realizing that the Slice Girls could no doubt neutralize the Police if there was any trouble, Agent Knight decided to chance stopping. As he eased the RV to a halt, little did he know what a fateful twist of fate that choice would be!
CHAPTER 8: Chinggis Khan and the Mongol Conquests
The battle was as brief as it was silly. The screeching Sherman tank, stolen from an army surplus outlet’s front display, had not been maintained and ground to a halt as the right track split and fed back into the mechanism. The fire at the compound wall spread rapidly through a Rube-Goldberg series of bad choices for storing flammable materials, ending up in the middle of the compound where the fireworks had been stored by the Chinese dragon families for that night’s anti-NWO hoe-down. A spectacular collection of exploding rockets took off first, causing both sides to lay down their arms and surrender.
As the fire grew in size, the Chinese visitors exhibited some of that wisdom of the East you hear about, and left. Silently, but rapidly, they exited through the back gate, taking their 12-man paper dragon with them. Deep decided to follow their example, with Erasmus in tow, of course. He seemed like an idiot to Deep Knight, but you never knew what information a little torture might tease out of his tiny brain. Besides, a quick, easy death, even if it was long and painful, would be too good for him.
“Quickly your Czarness, we must flee!” he requested of the now-drooling Erasmus, a near-lethal dose of Viagra having been slipped in his mint juleps. It had been stiffening everything but what it had been designed for, but suddenly as if to mock agent Knight’s efforts caused a small but noticeable tent in his pants. “The South has risen again,” Erasmus screamed against the chaos and flames, “my dingus needs some chinggis.”
“Mrs. Howell” bent down, placed a kiss on his bloated lips, and touched him like someone who knew him but didn’t care. She smiled, and started to exit the observation platform, swaying her fanny like a southern belle in heat. As if picked up and pulled along by some invisible force, Erasmus followed her. Deep Knight and the Slice Girls followed through the back gate, getting into an old RV converted into a “mobile command center” which Deep hot-wired. Erasmus, who the women had to restrain from removing his pants, announced, “A pretty girl is like a melody,” and started singing and dancing. The song was “That’s the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it” and the dance some abomination no man dare call by name.
Driving off into the sunset, Deep hoped they could find a way out of South Carolina without getting somehow drawn into the hollow earth. He knew how these adventure worked, he had been expecting Mongol hordes all chapter, and just wanted to either kill Erasmus or drop him of for “debriefing,” where his briefs weren’t the only thing painfully removed. But one thing he knew, if Sorcha was once again on his trail, his adventure was far from over! And, it would be good to kill her again, just for old time’s sake.
Erasmus was badly imitating a French accent and inviting various Slice Girls to meet him at the Casbah, which apparently was a lumpy fold-out couch he was laying provocatively on. His targets were fingering their swords with “come hither so I can emasculate you” looks on their faces. In the rear view mirror Deep Knight could see “Mrs. Howell” giving him the eye and the glow of the no-doubt-now-out-of-control compound fire above the Dutch elm and blighted chestnut forest.
Suddenly, directly in front of them on the road, was a police roadblock. Deep looked for a side road, but there was nothing he could do either with the RV or for Erasmus, who was now singing “Love to Love You Baby” complete with pelvic thrusts. Realizing that the Slice Girls could no doubt neutralize the Police if there was any trouble, Agent Knight decided to chance stopping. As he eased the RV to a halt, little did he know what a fateful twist of fate that choice would be!
"Follow the Money"
-
Deep Knight
- Posts: 5397
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 4:42 am
- Location: Washington DC
Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
The Rise of Erasmus of America and the Battle in the Hollow Earth for the Stargate of Doom!
CHAPTER 9: Central Eurasians Ride to a European Sea
“The road is closed,” said a State Patrol officer wearing a spotless uniform, “We have reports of marauding Chinese with a paper dragon, and the State of South Carolina will never allow Central Eurasians to ride to a European sea!”
“Chinese, or at least the ethnically ‘Han’ Chinese people are not Central Eurasians but East Asians,” replied “Mrs. Howell.
“East or Central Eur, we don’t care, they all look alike,” replied the state patrolman, looking suspiciously at Deep Knight’s companion.
“According to the book, ‘Empires of the Silk Road: A History of Central Eurasia from the Bronze Age to the Present,’ Europeans and Central Eurasians are culturally and linguistically the same peoples, and their classification as different was due to regional prejudices.”
The statepatrol man made a motion to his companion officer, who grabbed “Mrs. Howell.” “You’re in a heap o’ trouble, boy,” he said to the obviously female woman, before turning to explain to the other policemen. “Fancy-talkin’ smart-mouth Yankee,” said the policeman, “Cuff ‘er and stuff ‘er.”
“But, but, but …” stammered the surgically-altered NWO agent, “I’m innocent.”
“Don’t worry,” comforted Deep Knight, “We’ll call our employer’s lawyers and have you out before you know it.”
“The south shall rise again!” screamed Erasmus, “God recognizes the people of the South to be the most Christian people in 2,000 years of Christian history.”
“The rest of these people seem alright,” said the leader, ogling the scantily-dressed Slice Girls and their swords, “Especially the guy on the couch.” Turning to the group in the RV he said, “Y’all come back now, y’hear?”
Driving away quickly, Deep Knight looked for a road sign or some way of figuring out where they were, exciting South Carolina, and driving back to NWO headquarters. But first to take care of Erasmus. “Tie him up and gag him, girls,” commanded Deep Knight, “No, on second thought, gag him first.”
The girls languidly complied, their spirits dampened by the loss of “Mrs. Howell,” who had become a sort of homicidal housemother for the group. Deep, with his deep understand of how women worked - he had probed and sometimes even disassembled enough of them – decided to share his news. “I know you think we should have killed those bozos back there rather than surrender one of our own, but in reality she was Sorcha Faal, shaped shifted into that well-shaped shifter!”
The girls looked shocked and stunned. Actually, more stunned than shocked, but still both. “How, how did you know?” asserted Baby Slice, “She and all her parts looked and felt so real!”
“Don’t I know it, luv,” asked Agent Knight, “But you forget I’ve crossed swords with many forms of Sorcha before. There was something about her patterns of speech, unconscious facial ticks, and the way she used the whip on my behind that revealed the truth to my experienced eye. There was also the fact that I had expected her to try and infiltrate us before Chapter 10, so it had to be her. I decided to let the police take her off our hands, with any luck she’s cooling her heels in the slammer, waiting for lawyers who will never come.” He had more to tell them about how cleaver he had been, including the fact that she had constantly treated him nicely even though he had treated her like a piece of meat, but first he had to go through what appeared to be yet another police roadblock!
CHAPTER 9: Central Eurasians Ride to a European Sea
“The road is closed,” said a State Patrol officer wearing a spotless uniform, “We have reports of marauding Chinese with a paper dragon, and the State of South Carolina will never allow Central Eurasians to ride to a European sea!”
“Chinese, or at least the ethnically ‘Han’ Chinese people are not Central Eurasians but East Asians,” replied “Mrs. Howell.
“East or Central Eur, we don’t care, they all look alike,” replied the state patrolman, looking suspiciously at Deep Knight’s companion.
“According to the book, ‘Empires of the Silk Road: A History of Central Eurasia from the Bronze Age to the Present,’ Europeans and Central Eurasians are culturally and linguistically the same peoples, and their classification as different was due to regional prejudices.”
The statepatrol man made a motion to his companion officer, who grabbed “Mrs. Howell.” “You’re in a heap o’ trouble, boy,” he said to the obviously female woman, before turning to explain to the other policemen. “Fancy-talkin’ smart-mouth Yankee,” said the policeman, “Cuff ‘er and stuff ‘er.”
“But, but, but …” stammered the surgically-altered NWO agent, “I’m innocent.”
“Don’t worry,” comforted Deep Knight, “We’ll call our employer’s lawyers and have you out before you know it.”
“The south shall rise again!” screamed Erasmus, “God recognizes the people of the South to be the most Christian people in 2,000 years of Christian history.”
“The rest of these people seem alright,” said the leader, ogling the scantily-dressed Slice Girls and their swords, “Especially the guy on the couch.” Turning to the group in the RV he said, “Y’all come back now, y’hear?”
Driving away quickly, Deep Knight looked for a road sign or some way of figuring out where they were, exciting South Carolina, and driving back to NWO headquarters. But first to take care of Erasmus. “Tie him up and gag him, girls,” commanded Deep Knight, “No, on second thought, gag him first.”
The girls languidly complied, their spirits dampened by the loss of “Mrs. Howell,” who had become a sort of homicidal housemother for the group. Deep, with his deep understand of how women worked - he had probed and sometimes even disassembled enough of them – decided to share his news. “I know you think we should have killed those bozos back there rather than surrender one of our own, but in reality she was Sorcha Faal, shaped shifted into that well-shaped shifter!”
The girls looked shocked and stunned. Actually, more stunned than shocked, but still both. “How, how did you know?” asserted Baby Slice, “She and all her parts looked and felt so real!”
“Don’t I know it, luv,” asked Agent Knight, “But you forget I’ve crossed swords with many forms of Sorcha before. There was something about her patterns of speech, unconscious facial ticks, and the way she used the whip on my behind that revealed the truth to my experienced eye. There was also the fact that I had expected her to try and infiltrate us before Chapter 10, so it had to be her. I decided to let the police take her off our hands, with any luck she’s cooling her heels in the slammer, waiting for lawyers who will never come.” He had more to tell them about how cleaver he had been, including the fact that she had constantly treated him nicely even though he had treated her like a piece of meat, but first he had to go through what appeared to be yet another police roadblock!
"Follow the Money"
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Deep Knight
- Posts: 5397
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 4:42 am
- Location: Washington DC
Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
The Rise of Erasmus of America and the Battle in the Hollow Earth for the Stargate of Doom!
CHAPTER 10: The Road Is Closed
“The road is closed,” said a State Patrol officer wearing a spotless uniform, “We have reports of marauding Chinese with a paper dragon, and the State of South Carolina will never allow Central Eurasians to ride to a European sea!”
“Déjà vu!” thought Deep Knight to himself, it was the same roadblock they had been to in chapter 9, he had been driving in circles!
“Didn’t y’all just come thru here with that smart talkin’ lady?” asked the patrolman, grinning from ear to ear.
“That’s right,” replied Deep, “We must have made a hard right when we should have taken a soft left. Do you know that fastest way outta here to some main road?”
“Well, I ain’t exactly sure, Cletus drove. But what I wanted to say was the boys takin’ yo’ friend back to the hoosegow has mysteriously disappeared. We were a-talkin’ to ‘em on the radio at the time, an’ they said somethin’ strange ‘bout shape shiftin’, and then nothing but eerie silence.”
Sorcha was on the loose! No time left to lose, or even lend! “Is Cletus out there so he could give me directions?” asked Deep.
“What’s a-goin’ on with that good ol’ boy we saw before tied up back thar?” asked the officer peering into the darkness.
“The girls here would be happy to get out of the RV and explain it to you,” said Deep Knight, making a cut throat motion with his thumb. “Now about Cletus?”
“Naw, he went back with your friend,” said the policeman, “but your other friends shore are pretty.”
“You don’t know the half. In just a few seconds they’ll all have a surprise for you, one you’re sure to enjoy!”
The men at the roadblock were quickly dispatched, the Slice Girls had agreed to disrobe if they would close their eyes, tight, and count to 10. Even though there was every reason for haste, Deep let the girls mount the heads on sharpened wooden stakes, after all, they needed some fun after the shock about “Mrs. Howell.”
Many hours later, after many wrong turns, Deep found himself on an interstate highway heading north. His maze-like route had eaten up time, but it had also hidden their tracks under layers of their later tracks, making them invisible. Besides, Sorcha would no doubt have her hands full cleaning up the mess Agent Knight had left at the compound. So now there was only one question left, how to end this incident. He had authorization to use nuclear weapons, and lord knows nobody would miss the area around Seneca, “The Town the Past Forgot,” but that would be too easy, too boring. He needed a real whiz dunk, slam bang ending, with enough action to make this a possible Hollywood screenplay. Suddenly, the answer presented itself on a platter, or rather on a freeway sign stating, “Agartha the Hidden City and the opening to the Hollow Earth, exit 1 mile.”
CHAPTER 10: The Road Is Closed
“The road is closed,” said a State Patrol officer wearing a spotless uniform, “We have reports of marauding Chinese with a paper dragon, and the State of South Carolina will never allow Central Eurasians to ride to a European sea!”
“Déjà vu!” thought Deep Knight to himself, it was the same roadblock they had been to in chapter 9, he had been driving in circles!
“Didn’t y’all just come thru here with that smart talkin’ lady?” asked the patrolman, grinning from ear to ear.
“That’s right,” replied Deep, “We must have made a hard right when we should have taken a soft left. Do you know that fastest way outta here to some main road?”
“Well, I ain’t exactly sure, Cletus drove. But what I wanted to say was the boys takin’ yo’ friend back to the hoosegow has mysteriously disappeared. We were a-talkin’ to ‘em on the radio at the time, an’ they said somethin’ strange ‘bout shape shiftin’, and then nothing but eerie silence.”
Sorcha was on the loose! No time left to lose, or even lend! “Is Cletus out there so he could give me directions?” asked Deep.
“What’s a-goin’ on with that good ol’ boy we saw before tied up back thar?” asked the officer peering into the darkness.
“The girls here would be happy to get out of the RV and explain it to you,” said Deep Knight, making a cut throat motion with his thumb. “Now about Cletus?”
“Naw, he went back with your friend,” said the policeman, “but your other friends shore are pretty.”
“You don’t know the half. In just a few seconds they’ll all have a surprise for you, one you’re sure to enjoy!”
The men at the roadblock were quickly dispatched, the Slice Girls had agreed to disrobe if they would close their eyes, tight, and count to 10. Even though there was every reason for haste, Deep let the girls mount the heads on sharpened wooden stakes, after all, they needed some fun after the shock about “Mrs. Howell.”
Many hours later, after many wrong turns, Deep found himself on an interstate highway heading north. His maze-like route had eaten up time, but it had also hidden their tracks under layers of their later tracks, making them invisible. Besides, Sorcha would no doubt have her hands full cleaning up the mess Agent Knight had left at the compound. So now there was only one question left, how to end this incident. He had authorization to use nuclear weapons, and lord knows nobody would miss the area around Seneca, “The Town the Past Forgot,” but that would be too easy, too boring. He needed a real whiz dunk, slam bang ending, with enough action to make this a possible Hollywood screenplay. Suddenly, the answer presented itself on a platter, or rather on a freeway sign stating, “Agartha the Hidden City and the opening to the Hollow Earth, exit 1 mile.”
"Follow the Money"
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Deep Knight
- Posts: 5397
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 4:42 am
- Location: Washington DC
Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
The Rise of Erasmus of America and the Battle in the Hollow Earth for the Stargate of Doom!
CHAPTER 11: Eurasia without a Center
Pulling off at the exit, Deep Knight didn’t drive left to the Hollow Earth Caverns and Agartha the Hidden City Fun Park where there was the Stargate of Doom Ride and other excitements for the whole family. With a deft maneuver he put the RV into a skid and parked behind a long, gaudy billboard with the information above and neon arrow. By coincidence, the shapes matched and the RV was totally hidden. “Sorcha knows too much and is sure to check here due to the title of this adventure, and this is the ideal place to ambush her when she comes. There will still be the disorganized militia, but I have an idea about that too,” reasoned Deep. Going to the back of the RV he found Erasmus of America tied up, hung from a coat rack, and asleep. Taking out a black marker pen, he quickly wrote something on Erasmus’ scalp, put the pen away, and gently woke him up with a knee to the groin.
“Erasmus, ol’ buddy! Who in the world tied you up? Quick girls, cut him down!” With hand gestures Deep made sure the Slice Girls understood that only the ropes were fair game, and in a display of sharp steel skill not seen outside Benihana Restaurants, Erasmus was soon out of his bonds and looking bewildered.
“But, you guys were so mean to me! And I don’t even think you’re Drake!”
“No, I’m Deep Knight.” Erasmus’ gasp was audible, as was the fear in his eyes. “That was before we found out you were heir to one of the Illuminati families. In our world, you’re untouchable, not to mention the equivalent of a rock star.”
Erasmus was unconvinced. “That’s easy for you to say, but how do I know you’re not after my amazing brain? After all, it’s bigger than can be measured by science, and worth billions the government stole from me.”
“You’ll get that money back and more! And, I might add, as a member of the Royal Dark Agenda Family you’re up for a well-paid leadership position surrounded by beautiful women. And it’s all because of your birthmark of the beast.” Taking him to a mirror, Agent Knight parted his hair and showed him the circular “666” he had just written on his scalp. “No mistaking it, better than a DNA match. Congratulations, Eurasia has been without a center, but it seems you’re it!”
“I’ve always known that was there and felt it meant I was somehow ‘special,’ that God, er, some power had given me my talents because I was fated for great things. St. Padre Pinot wrote me when I was in military school that I was the one prophesied would smash the testicles of the enemies of Christianity, but then a week later he was busted for child molestation. I always felt that meant something, and now I know what!”
“That’s right, your highness,” said Deep, his voice dripping with honey, “You are fated to do the work of your family and join the conspiracy against the misguided light. Aren’t you tired of losing, of having people laugh at you? Isn’t it time to join the winning team? Here, let me show you our color brochure.”
It was frightening how quickly Erasmus became convinced he was the Scion of Satan, his swallowing it hook, line, and sinker gave a new meaning to the words “credulous” and “easy.” All this despite the Slice Girls rolled eyes and rude gestures. Deep smiled, his fiendish plan going as planned. Now to call for some backup, give Erasmus’ easily-washed brain a final rinse and spin, have a quickie with Slutty Slice in the tiny RV toilet, and de-brief the newcomers. The job he had in mind was not one for wearing underwear.
It was almost dawn when the motley caravan of would be patriots and misfits led by untrustworthy alien scum rolled down the exit, towards Erasmus wearing his Roman general outfit waving his red cape. “Friends, Romans, Countrymen,” he began, “lend me your ears. I am smart at changing horses in the middle of a stream, and have some wonderful news!”
The door to the front vehicle opened and out stepped Sorcha Faal, for the first time in this story as Sorcha Faal, resplendent in her Russian-Irish nun’s habit. She was smoking a cigar and had a shotgun leveled at Erasmus. Slowly, her finger tightened on the trigger and a look of firm resolve came over her grim-yet-smiling face…
CHAPTER 11: Eurasia without a Center
Pulling off at the exit, Deep Knight didn’t drive left to the Hollow Earth Caverns and Agartha the Hidden City Fun Park where there was the Stargate of Doom Ride and other excitements for the whole family. With a deft maneuver he put the RV into a skid and parked behind a long, gaudy billboard with the information above and neon arrow. By coincidence, the shapes matched and the RV was totally hidden. “Sorcha knows too much and is sure to check here due to the title of this adventure, and this is the ideal place to ambush her when she comes. There will still be the disorganized militia, but I have an idea about that too,” reasoned Deep. Going to the back of the RV he found Erasmus of America tied up, hung from a coat rack, and asleep. Taking out a black marker pen, he quickly wrote something on Erasmus’ scalp, put the pen away, and gently woke him up with a knee to the groin.
“Erasmus, ol’ buddy! Who in the world tied you up? Quick girls, cut him down!” With hand gestures Deep made sure the Slice Girls understood that only the ropes were fair game, and in a display of sharp steel skill not seen outside Benihana Restaurants, Erasmus was soon out of his bonds and looking bewildered.
“But, you guys were so mean to me! And I don’t even think you’re Drake!”
“No, I’m Deep Knight.” Erasmus’ gasp was audible, as was the fear in his eyes. “That was before we found out you were heir to one of the Illuminati families. In our world, you’re untouchable, not to mention the equivalent of a rock star.”
Erasmus was unconvinced. “That’s easy for you to say, but how do I know you’re not after my amazing brain? After all, it’s bigger than can be measured by science, and worth billions the government stole from me.”
“You’ll get that money back and more! And, I might add, as a member of the Royal Dark Agenda Family you’re up for a well-paid leadership position surrounded by beautiful women. And it’s all because of your birthmark of the beast.” Taking him to a mirror, Agent Knight parted his hair and showed him the circular “666” he had just written on his scalp. “No mistaking it, better than a DNA match. Congratulations, Eurasia has been without a center, but it seems you’re it!”
“I’ve always known that was there and felt it meant I was somehow ‘special,’ that God, er, some power had given me my talents because I was fated for great things. St. Padre Pinot wrote me when I was in military school that I was the one prophesied would smash the testicles of the enemies of Christianity, but then a week later he was busted for child molestation. I always felt that meant something, and now I know what!”
“That’s right, your highness,” said Deep, his voice dripping with honey, “You are fated to do the work of your family and join the conspiracy against the misguided light. Aren’t you tired of losing, of having people laugh at you? Isn’t it time to join the winning team? Here, let me show you our color brochure.”
It was frightening how quickly Erasmus became convinced he was the Scion of Satan, his swallowing it hook, line, and sinker gave a new meaning to the words “credulous” and “easy.” All this despite the Slice Girls rolled eyes and rude gestures. Deep smiled, his fiendish plan going as planned. Now to call for some backup, give Erasmus’ easily-washed brain a final rinse and spin, have a quickie with Slutty Slice in the tiny RV toilet, and de-brief the newcomers. The job he had in mind was not one for wearing underwear.
It was almost dawn when the motley caravan of would be patriots and misfits led by untrustworthy alien scum rolled down the exit, towards Erasmus wearing his Roman general outfit waving his red cape. “Friends, Romans, Countrymen,” he began, “lend me your ears. I am smart at changing horses in the middle of a stream, and have some wonderful news!”
The door to the front vehicle opened and out stepped Sorcha Faal, for the first time in this story as Sorcha Faal, resplendent in her Russian-Irish nun’s habit. She was smoking a cigar and had a shotgun leveled at Erasmus. Slowly, her finger tightened on the trigger and a look of firm resolve came over her grim-yet-smiling face…
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Deep Knight
- Posts: 5397
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 4:42 am
- Location: Washington DC
Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
The Rise of Erasmus of America and the Battle in the Hollow Earth for the Stargate of Doom!
CHAPTER 12: Central Eurasia Reborn
The black helicopters came in at tree top level, in silent mode. They were armed with exotic weapons for mind, crowd and weather control. Target number one was Sorcha Faal, and their long-wave incontinence beams distracted her and caused her to move quickly towards the dark Southern forest.
Suddenly, Deep appeared wearing full body armor, along with the Slice Girls in studded black leather bikinis. “It’s all over, Sorcha, you’ve fallen into my trap. I know I can’t kill you because lord knows I’ve tried, but I can talk you into giving up and joining our cause like Erasmus has. So you’re an evil alien, we’re evil Earthers and I say, why not get together and have some laughs hurting others?”
Sorcha laughed that evil Russian-Irish-Nun laugh that pieced you to the bone and then ripped your heart out through your sphincter. “You think you can bend me like that simple minding Erasmus? He was putty in my hands before I slept with him, which happens a lot to men his age, but after only one time he was molded into my slave. And he was darn good at picking cotton too.”
“I’m glad you said what you just said,” replied Deep generously, “because now I can kill you with a minimum of additional boring trash talk. Oh yes, I said ‘kill’ and I meant ‘kill.’” Dropping his trousers as a signal, all hell broke loose. The black helicopters made another pass, this time with smoke bombs. A commercial passenger aircraft infested with poisonous snakes and critical government witnesses landed on the off ramp and disgorged the handful of living passengers and thousands of hyperactive snakes. Central Eurasians came in from the right and left. And a busload of RNC delegates, far from Tampa, stumbled dazed out from under the underbrush. There was a blare of trumpets, ticker tape fell from above, and a thousand doves were released.
Sorcha, her shape-shifter senses overwhelmed by this assault on her senses, decided to retreat. As she moved away from the source of her annoyance, she suddenly noticed the ground under her feet was a rapidly ripping fabric. It was a trap, a pit over15 feet deep to be exact, just blasted into the bedrock minutes before, covered with a camouflaged covering and camouflaged. As she started to rise, a 3 ton boulder came crushing down on her, effectively pinning her in a prone position. It also had to really hurt, but before Deep could confirm this for his report and own pleasure, the cement trucks backed in and filled the pit with quick-set concrete.
As strange as it sounds, which isn’t unusual in this story, during the noisy battle Erasmus had talked the remaining troops into following him into the New World Order and laying down their arms. The idea of a more worldly life seemed especially attractive to men who had been under the subways of New York City or in a militia compound for years, and let’s face it, the Sisters hadn’t been getting a lot of dates living in a convent. Finally, making an extremely rough line, they marched over to Deep and the Slice Girls and presented themselves for inspection. “We are volunteering to join as the Omni Squad,” announced Erasmus, “named after my Omni Law and maxim, 'Nihil Expectore In Omnibus' - no spitting on the public transport.”
“Men, and Erasmus too, I promised you a chance, but with that chance comes hard work, dedication and betrayal. With you being the ones betrayed, so unless any of the younger Sisters want to come home to go to bed with me, you’re about to be killed. I would toy with you more, but quite frankly I’m beat.” Turning to the Slice Girls he smiled at them and added, “I told you there would be a fun part to this adventure. Don’t let Erasmus die too quickly, or for that matter that terrible cook’s cousin Ike Snopes and his cow. And please be careful, we don’t want any accidents with all those sharp swinging swords.”
A few of the nuns ripped off their habits and came running in lacy black religious lingerie towards Deep Knight, which quite frankly he found kind of creepy. Erasmus got on his knees and begged, “But, I know where the Lost City of Enoch is, and the largest treasure on the earth should not be too far away!” Cold bloodedly, Deep Knight led the defecting ex-Sisters of ex-Sorcha away by pulling on their vestigial vestments and motioned for the mayhem to start. The rest of the scene is best left to your imagination, as unimaginative as that might be, but suffice it to say that the sun was blotted out for many hours by the spraying blood. The Slice Girls made the massacre a team-building exercise, awarding points not only for quantity, but for quality, with Sporty Slice just edging out Serial Killer Slice for the Gold, and Skanky Slice getting Miss Congeniality.
CHAPTER 12: Central Eurasia Reborn
The black helicopters came in at tree top level, in silent mode. They were armed with exotic weapons for mind, crowd and weather control. Target number one was Sorcha Faal, and their long-wave incontinence beams distracted her and caused her to move quickly towards the dark Southern forest.
Suddenly, Deep appeared wearing full body armor, along with the Slice Girls in studded black leather bikinis. “It’s all over, Sorcha, you’ve fallen into my trap. I know I can’t kill you because lord knows I’ve tried, but I can talk you into giving up and joining our cause like Erasmus has. So you’re an evil alien, we’re evil Earthers and I say, why not get together and have some laughs hurting others?”
Sorcha laughed that evil Russian-Irish-Nun laugh that pieced you to the bone and then ripped your heart out through your sphincter. “You think you can bend me like that simple minding Erasmus? He was putty in my hands before I slept with him, which happens a lot to men his age, but after only one time he was molded into my slave. And he was darn good at picking cotton too.”
“I’m glad you said what you just said,” replied Deep generously, “because now I can kill you with a minimum of additional boring trash talk. Oh yes, I said ‘kill’ and I meant ‘kill.’” Dropping his trousers as a signal, all hell broke loose. The black helicopters made another pass, this time with smoke bombs. A commercial passenger aircraft infested with poisonous snakes and critical government witnesses landed on the off ramp and disgorged the handful of living passengers and thousands of hyperactive snakes. Central Eurasians came in from the right and left. And a busload of RNC delegates, far from Tampa, stumbled dazed out from under the underbrush. There was a blare of trumpets, ticker tape fell from above, and a thousand doves were released.
Sorcha, her shape-shifter senses overwhelmed by this assault on her senses, decided to retreat. As she moved away from the source of her annoyance, she suddenly noticed the ground under her feet was a rapidly ripping fabric. It was a trap, a pit over15 feet deep to be exact, just blasted into the bedrock minutes before, covered with a camouflaged covering and camouflaged. As she started to rise, a 3 ton boulder came crushing down on her, effectively pinning her in a prone position. It also had to really hurt, but before Deep could confirm this for his report and own pleasure, the cement trucks backed in and filled the pit with quick-set concrete.
As strange as it sounds, which isn’t unusual in this story, during the noisy battle Erasmus had talked the remaining troops into following him into the New World Order and laying down their arms. The idea of a more worldly life seemed especially attractive to men who had been under the subways of New York City or in a militia compound for years, and let’s face it, the Sisters hadn’t been getting a lot of dates living in a convent. Finally, making an extremely rough line, they marched over to Deep and the Slice Girls and presented themselves for inspection. “We are volunteering to join as the Omni Squad,” announced Erasmus, “named after my Omni Law and maxim, 'Nihil Expectore In Omnibus' - no spitting on the public transport.”
“Men, and Erasmus too, I promised you a chance, but with that chance comes hard work, dedication and betrayal. With you being the ones betrayed, so unless any of the younger Sisters want to come home to go to bed with me, you’re about to be killed. I would toy with you more, but quite frankly I’m beat.” Turning to the Slice Girls he smiled at them and added, “I told you there would be a fun part to this adventure. Don’t let Erasmus die too quickly, or for that matter that terrible cook’s cousin Ike Snopes and his cow. And please be careful, we don’t want any accidents with all those sharp swinging swords.”
A few of the nuns ripped off their habits and came running in lacy black religious lingerie towards Deep Knight, which quite frankly he found kind of creepy. Erasmus got on his knees and begged, “But, I know where the Lost City of Enoch is, and the largest treasure on the earth should not be too far away!” Cold bloodedly, Deep Knight led the defecting ex-Sisters of ex-Sorcha away by pulling on their vestigial vestments and motioned for the mayhem to start. The rest of the scene is best left to your imagination, as unimaginative as that might be, but suffice it to say that the sun was blotted out for many hours by the spraying blood. The Slice Girls made the massacre a team-building exercise, awarding points not only for quantity, but for quality, with Sporty Slice just edging out Serial Killer Slice for the Gold, and Skanky Slice getting Miss Congeniality.
"Follow the Money"
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Deep Knight
- Posts: 5397
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 4:42 am
- Location: Washington DC
Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
The Rise of Erasmus of America and the Battle in the Hollow Earth for the Stargate of Doom!
EPILOGUE: The Barbarians
Deep Knight was relaxing with his new boss, section leader D.B. Cooper, drinking 3 fingers of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. A former-but-now-defected Sister of Sorcha Faal served it to him, nervously trying to please his every whim least she end up like the others. The rest of them were servicing Deep Knight in various ways, such as lubing his chassis and blowing out the carbon from his valves. The Sisters had been noted for their excellent mechanical skills, and some were also good at refinishing furniture. Deep Knight’s bedroom set had seen a lot of hard use, and work that would start as soon as they could fit them in his busy carnal schedule. The spared Sisters would be taught discipline by hard work and in all likelihood actual bondage and discipline.
“Deep, once again you’ve saved the world for exploitation of the weak by the strong, or as we like to call them, ‘barbarians’ and ‘job creators,’” gushed his legendary hijacker boss. “Don’t worry about the extremely expensive boat you abandoned, we’ve got a salvage team on it, and the crew members you callously but properly left behind will soon man it once more. We’ll need to get a new ‘Mrs. Howell,’ when we found out Sorcha was impersonating our impersonator, we went to her second-floor apartment and found the real duplicate buried under the floorboards. We’ll leave the position of Gilligan empty, though. Everyone agreed that he was way too annoying, and we suspect the reason you crashed so far inland after sailing on the wrong ocean.”
“We’ll never know,” replied Deep, snapping his fingers for two more drinks, this time flaming jello shots. “I suspect Sorcha was behind the crash and Gilligan’s death. She no doubt sized him up as the weakest link and seduced him. If you think he was annoying normally, imagine what he must have been like in bed.”
“Well, it’s over now,” said DB wistfully, “You’ll have some forms and reports to fill out, but it shouldn’t take more than a couple days if you put in some unrecorded overtime. Then it’s off to your new assignment, finding the Lost City of Enoch. I hear there’s a fabulous treasure nearby.”
Deep smiled, thinking what a vulnerable target this old joker would be. He was just guessing, mind you, but it was quite possible his tenure as a manager would be short.
“One more thing,” said D.B., turning, “How come there were six Slice Girls when you only started with five Spice Girls, and how could Sorcha be ‘Mrs. Howell’ and Cobra at the same time?”
“That’s two things, maybe three things,” answered Deep, thinking that the aforementioned “short” tenure was getting shorter by the minute, “but as for the six Slice Girls, you’ll find that I’m always stepped ahead and gone the extra mile, so I asked for six. And that made a full set, one to grace every room in my fabulous penthouse suite, including the bathroom.”
“Well, congratulations again,” said his boss, “We have a long row to toe and line to hoe, what with re-electing that foreign-born, American-hating, communist-trained, so-called ‘president’ so we can seize all their guns, allowing us to freely institute socialism, mandatory homosexuality, and Sharia law. They’ll fight us every acre-foot of the way, but I think it’s safe to say that the outlaws of good are on notice that there’s a new sheriff of evil in town, and that town is you.”
EPILOGUE: The Barbarians
Deep Knight was relaxing with his new boss, section leader D.B. Cooper, drinking 3 fingers of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. A former-but-now-defected Sister of Sorcha Faal served it to him, nervously trying to please his every whim least she end up like the others. The rest of them were servicing Deep Knight in various ways, such as lubing his chassis and blowing out the carbon from his valves. The Sisters had been noted for their excellent mechanical skills, and some were also good at refinishing furniture. Deep Knight’s bedroom set had seen a lot of hard use, and work that would start as soon as they could fit them in his busy carnal schedule. The spared Sisters would be taught discipline by hard work and in all likelihood actual bondage and discipline.
“Deep, once again you’ve saved the world for exploitation of the weak by the strong, or as we like to call them, ‘barbarians’ and ‘job creators,’” gushed his legendary hijacker boss. “Don’t worry about the extremely expensive boat you abandoned, we’ve got a salvage team on it, and the crew members you callously but properly left behind will soon man it once more. We’ll need to get a new ‘Mrs. Howell,’ when we found out Sorcha was impersonating our impersonator, we went to her second-floor apartment and found the real duplicate buried under the floorboards. We’ll leave the position of Gilligan empty, though. Everyone agreed that he was way too annoying, and we suspect the reason you crashed so far inland after sailing on the wrong ocean.”
“We’ll never know,” replied Deep, snapping his fingers for two more drinks, this time flaming jello shots. “I suspect Sorcha was behind the crash and Gilligan’s death. She no doubt sized him up as the weakest link and seduced him. If you think he was annoying normally, imagine what he must have been like in bed.”
“Well, it’s over now,” said DB wistfully, “You’ll have some forms and reports to fill out, but it shouldn’t take more than a couple days if you put in some unrecorded overtime. Then it’s off to your new assignment, finding the Lost City of Enoch. I hear there’s a fabulous treasure nearby.”
Deep smiled, thinking what a vulnerable target this old joker would be. He was just guessing, mind you, but it was quite possible his tenure as a manager would be short.
“One more thing,” said D.B., turning, “How come there were six Slice Girls when you only started with five Spice Girls, and how could Sorcha be ‘Mrs. Howell’ and Cobra at the same time?”
“That’s two things, maybe three things,” answered Deep, thinking that the aforementioned “short” tenure was getting shorter by the minute, “but as for the six Slice Girls, you’ll find that I’m always stepped ahead and gone the extra mile, so I asked for six. And that made a full set, one to grace every room in my fabulous penthouse suite, including the bathroom.”
“Well, congratulations again,” said his boss, “We have a long row to toe and line to hoe, what with re-electing that foreign-born, American-hating, communist-trained, so-called ‘president’ so we can seize all their guns, allowing us to freely institute socialism, mandatory homosexuality, and Sharia law. They’ll fight us every acre-foot of the way, but I think it’s safe to say that the outlaws of good are on notice that there’s a new sheriff of evil in town, and that town is you.”
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Burnaby49
- Quatloosian Ambassador to the CaliCanadians
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Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
I don't believe a word of this fairy tale. If the Slice Girls dismembered Erasmus how can you still be posting tidal waves of his blather on another thread? Or are you actually the windbag producing these vast volumes of disinformation under the nom de guerre "Erasmus"? There's a marked similarity in the writing styles between your unending boasting about your sexual prowess and his constant rhapsodizing about his intellectual capabilities.
"Yes Burnaby49, I do in fact believe all process servers are peace officers. I've good reason to believe so." Robert Menard in his May 28, 2015 video "Process Servers".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeI-J2PhdGs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeI-J2PhdGs
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The Observer
- Further Moderator
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Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
Burnaby, we shouldn't say things like this to D-e-e-p K-n-i-g-h-t, it tends to get him very u-p-s-e-t, especially when you challenge his a-c-c-u-r-a-c-y about his s-e-x-u-a-l exploits. And for goodness sake don't say anything about his imp_t_nc_ problem or his addiction to V__gr_.Burnaby49 wrote:I don't believe a word of this fairy tale. If the Slice Girls dismembered Erasmus how can you still be posting tidal waves of his blather on another thread? Or are you actually the windbag producing these vast volumes of disinformation under the nom de guerre "Erasmus"? There's a marked similarity in the writing styles between your unending boasting about your sexual prowess and his constant rhapsodizing about his intellectual capabilities.
"I could be dead wrong on this" - Irwin Schiff
"Do you realize I may even be delusional with respect to my income tax beliefs? " - Irwin Schiff
"Do you realize I may even be delusional with respect to my income tax beliefs? " - Irwin Schiff
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Burnaby49
- Quatloosian Ambassador to the CaliCanadians
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Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
I live in Canada. The way DK whines about illuminati budget problems do you think he will be able to afford even economy class via seat-of-your-pants airline to make it all the way up here to eliminate me? Sounds like the illuminati can currently barely manage to give him one-way bus fare to Duluth. Note that he started his first published escapade with a flight to Hawaii via Egypt and Peru but did most of this last one in a van.The Observer wrote:Burnaby, we shouldn't say things like this to D-e-e-p K-n-i-g-h-t, it tends to get him very u-p-s-e-t, especially when you challenge his a-c-c-u-r-a-c-y about his s-e-x-u-a-l exploits. And for goodness sake don't say anything about his imp_t_nc_ problem or his addiction to V__gr_.Burnaby49 wrote:I don't believe a word of this fairy tale. If the Slice Girls dismembered Erasmus how can you still be posting tidal waves of his blather on another thread? Or are you actually the windbag producing these vast volumes of disinformation under the nom de guerre "Erasmus"? There's a marked similarity in the writing styles between your unending boasting about your sexual prowess and his constant rhapsodizing about his intellectual capabilities.
"Yes Burnaby49, I do in fact believe all process servers are peace officers. I've good reason to believe so." Robert Menard in his May 28, 2015 video "Process Servers".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeI-J2PhdGs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeI-J2PhdGs
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The Observer
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- Joined: Thu Feb 06, 2003 11:48 pm
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Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
No, it isn't an issue of whether he would become homicidal. Rather, it is about the term you just used, "whining." DK is infamous around Illuminati HQ for his emotional displays that occur when he feels dissed or things aren't going his way. The whining that comes out when he is on full-emote grates on one's ear like a lawn-mower blade being dragged across a chalkboard.Burnaby49 wrote:I live in Canada. The way DK whines about illuminati budget problems do you think he will be able to afford even economy class via seat-of-your-pants airline to make it all the way up here to eliminate me?
Several months ago, Lady Gaga came through HQ on a tour and DK wasn't even able to get her attention despite pulling several embarrassing stunts aimed at getting her into his office alone (in one instance, she advised him that she wasn't interested in seeing the "etchings" in his office). He went into full-emo mode for the next several weeks, causing one supervisor to take early-retirement and the next-level supervisor to move his office to an unknown location. Meanwhile the rank-and-file had to put up with DK constantly either (1) explaining why Gaga's career was now going to tank due to her lack of real talent, (2) why he never really liked her in the first place, (3) how he had to basically kick her out of his bedroom on three occasions, or (4) asking people if they really think his eyes are beautiful.
It would be nice if DK could realize that simple stories that rely on the facts and not just a bunch of egotistical made-up-hooey are much more entertaining. After all, if we want the hooey, we have Erasmus.
"I could be dead wrong on this" - Irwin Schiff
"Do you realize I may even be delusional with respect to my income tax beliefs? " - Irwin Schiff
"Do you realize I may even be delusional with respect to my income tax beliefs? " - Irwin Schiff
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Deep Knight
- Posts: 5397
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 4:42 am
- Location: Washington DC
Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
Are you calling me a LIAR just because what I wrote wasn't true? Well, you might mince words with me or my intel sources 38 levels above the president, but you don't DARE question AMERICA's MAYOR, Rudy Giuliani! Here's what HE said when some whiny lame-stream media stooge pointed out the errors in Paul Ryan's speach to the RNC.Burnaby49 wrote:I don't believe a word of this fairy tale. If the Slice Girls dismembered Erasmus how can you still be posting tidal waves of his blather on another thread? Or are you actually the windbag producing these vast volumes of disinformation under the nom de guerre "Erasmus"? There's a marked similarity in the writing styles between your unending boasting about your sexual prowess and his constant rhapsodizing about his intellectual capabilities.
Well, look, when people give speeches, not every fact is always absolutely accurate.
The same holds for my writings, while every fact is in fact a fact, they're not "always absolutely accurate." So, while it is 100% true that Scary Slice and Serial Killer Slice dismembered Erasmus and wore his gutts for garters, that doesn't mean that it's "always absolutely accurate" and he can't still be alive writing his garbage!
As for my claims of sexual prowess vs. Erasmus' claims of almost everything you can think of, mine are much shorter and easier to read! That HAS to count for something in the world gone mad. For example, in an earlier adventure I condensed 3 days and nights of hot, sweaty jungle love with Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham palace into a single paragraph. Erasmus couldn't have done it in a single page, much less kept it up for 3 days and nights even with Beefeaters to stand guard.
I have NEVER used Viagra, or even V_gr_. Absolutely never. OK, there was that one time but I was tired and had just made love to the entire company of the Bolshoi Ballet including the understudies so it's excusable. And if you're talking about getting caught by customs bringing cases of it in from the Dominican Republic, that was for a friend of mine who's name I can't tell you but you would recognize it in a second as being Charlie Sheen. Just wait until YOU get old!The Observer wrote:Burnaby, we shouldn't say things like this to D-e-e-p K-n-i-g-h-t, it tends to get him very u-p-s-e-t, especially when you challenge his a-c-c-u-r-a-c-y about his s-e-x-u-a-l exploits. And for goodness sake don't say anything about his imp_t_nc_ problem or his addiction to V__gr_.
I see you haven't heard about the blowout low round-trip fares offered by Air Canada online! Not only can we afford to send assassins to the Great White North, we and afford to bring them back! As for the setting of my latest adventure, this is to save money when they film the movie version. I once heard that on Star Trek they had to have an episode that could be filmed on a regular set with no special effects or heroic makeup for each more-expensive one that had non-human aliens and battles in space. The same is true here at the New World Order. We may have had budget cuts and are tightening our belts, but we are still 100% committed to evil and the fall of civilization, just with fewer embellishments and on a slightly delayed schedule.Burnaby49 wrote:I live in Canada. The way DK whines about illuminati budget problems do you think he will be able to afford even economy class via seat-of-your-pants airline to make it all the way up here to eliminate me? Sounds like the illuminati can currently barely manage to give him one-way bus fare to Duluth. Note that he started his first published escapade with a flight to Hawaii via Egypt and Peru but did most of this last one in a van.
I used to write simple stories that relied on facts, but such efforts as my "Dick and Jane and the New Economic Realities that Require They Settle for Less" wasn't terribly successful. It was then my mentor, Albert Einstein, told me to "give the people what they want" which of course was sex and gore. And tell me the truth, which would you rather have - two iconic blue-eyed-blondes planning how to save on their retirement, or scantily dressed hussies with no regard for the sanctity of life playing tarts and butchers? If you're honest with yourself, you'll agree that I took the wiser and more profitable path.The Observer wrote:... It would be nice if DK could realize that simple stories that rely on the facts and not just a bunch of egotistical made-up-hooey are much more entertaining. After all, if we want the hooey, we have Erasmus.
"Follow the Money"
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Burnaby49
- Quatloosian Ambassador to the CaliCanadians
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Re: Another Deep Knight Mystery
I have NEVER used Viagra, or even V_gr_. Absolutely never. OK, there was that one time but I was tired and had just made love to the entire company of the Bolshoi Ballet including the understudies so it's excusable. And if you're talking about getting caught by customs bringing cases of it in from the Dominican Republic, that was for a friend of mine who's name I can't tell you but you would recognize it in a second as being Charlie Sheen. Just wait until YOU get old!
No, never used it? What about this comment?
Most men would have a certain organ swell if they were slipped a couple Viagra tablets by a homicidal adversary mistaken for an ally. An organ whose name, when applied to the entire person, was far from flattering. Erasmus of America was one of those people, so the boner pills made his ego became a whole lot larger and mind and body stiffer.
Seemed to be conveniently handy. Just happened to slip into your pocket by accident?
I see you haven't heard about the blowout low round-trip fares offered by Air Canada online! Not only can we afford to send assassins to the Great White North, we and afford to bring them back!
Seriously? You ever traveled Air Canada? Ever check their on-time and cancellation stats? If you fly here from DC you'll have to change planes in Toronto, the Bermuda Triangle of airports. Even brave men are wasted shells of their prior selves after that experience. I feel safer already!
No, never used it? What about this comment?
Most men would have a certain organ swell if they were slipped a couple Viagra tablets by a homicidal adversary mistaken for an ally. An organ whose name, when applied to the entire person, was far from flattering. Erasmus of America was one of those people, so the boner pills made his ego became a whole lot larger and mind and body stiffer.
Seemed to be conveniently handy. Just happened to slip into your pocket by accident?
I see you haven't heard about the blowout low round-trip fares offered by Air Canada online! Not only can we afford to send assassins to the Great White North, we and afford to bring them back!
Seriously? You ever traveled Air Canada? Ever check their on-time and cancellation stats? If you fly here from DC you'll have to change planes in Toronto, the Bermuda Triangle of airports. Even brave men are wasted shells of their prior selves after that experience. I feel safer already!
"Yes Burnaby49, I do in fact believe all process servers are peace officers. I've good reason to believe so." Robert Menard in his May 28, 2015 video "Process Servers".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeI-J2PhdGs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeI-J2PhdGs