Another Deep Knight Mystery

[Deep Knight]

Live at The Nevada State Corrections Facility!
Another Lockeddowned Deep Knight Adventure

Epilog – GoodKnight Deep Prince

As Deep Knight had foretold, Henry Kissinger was not only welcomed with opened arms, but given the job as Deep’s new boss. Velna was made his secretary, and with the thick accent and few others able to understand him, and of course the blackmail, Deep and her could effectively keep him under control.

The blackmail came in 3 parts. First was the fact that Henry was Jewish. Deep had counciled him to keep quiet, and with his accent being German the Evil One figured he was OK. Certain worldwide Jewish conspiracy theorists would be shocked to know that the New World Order and Satan himself are anti-Semitic, being as they think the Rothschilds are behind it all! In reality it’s all a bunch of pasty-white Anglo-Saxon Protestants. They don’t even like Irish Catholics here, so you can imagine what happens when a Jew, Black, or Frenchie walks in off the street and asks for an application. Second,there was Nixon’s own thick file on Kissinger, starting with those pictues of him and the wives of the North Vietnamese peace negotiators being compromised over and over again. Finally, there was the remaining Elixir Vitae, which Deep kept in a secret location and would only dole out sparingly. In effect, Deep ran the department without being the focus of assassination attempts, the perfect gig.

Deep and Velna flew to Vegas and in the crowded Wee Kirk O' the Heather Wedding Chapel got married in a traditional cerimony (the Knight family was either Scotts or certain ancestors liked to wear skirts, Deep wasn’t sure) with bagpipes and reeking hagus. Velna got the Thanksgiving wedding most women only dream about, and a wedding night beyond the dreams of those who only knew intense pleasure. Everyone who is anyone in the worldwide conspiracy of evil was there, several of them old girlfriends of Deep’s like the Scarlet Whore of Babylon. President Obama and George Soros stopped by, as did “Hef,” over 100 Playboy playmates from recent issues, and several of the Kardassian sisters. Hollywood stars, brutal hit men, rich industrialists, convicted sex offenders, showgirls, bloodsuckers, pudknockers, knockerpudders, manly girls and sissy boys rounded out the list. A great time was had by all, and the Illuminati slush fund had to pay for the penicillin injections and to have the outdoor pool at the Sahara cleaned out.

Deep wanted the honeymoon destination to be a surprise, and it was. “Seneca South Carolina?” screamed Velna, “Are you @#$%! nuts?” Deep smiled. Not only would he be able to take care of a certain long-overdue surprise, but he and Velna would be so removed from civilization and culture that they could concentrate on tender acts of love, done repeatedly and with lots of groans and screams. Finally Deep could find the intimacy he hadn’t found in brief encounters with endless lines of flawlessly beautiful women, women whose knowledge of pleasure bordered on the unbelievable. But now it was just the two of them, a king-sized bed, some rubber sheets, a gallon of olive oil, various ropes and pulleys, adult toys, and a shop-vac, with nothing else to clutter an expression of pure love between two consenting adults, their various orifices, and any number of insertable protuberances. As the poet said, love conquers all, until all that back and forth motion causes chaffing and you have to stop.

[ashlynne39]

That last story sounds like a fifth federal murder threat.

[Deep Knight]

That last story sounds like a fifth federal murder threat.

In the story, Deep Knight is proposing to go to Seneca SC and "take care of a certain long-overdue surprise," no more, no less. However, I'm game for threatening federal murder - IF WE CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS.

If you look up "federal murder" you get a bunch of Erasmus' posts (which only goes to show how he's on the cutting edge of law) and some stuff on federal murder laws. This one from "Answers" seems to apply.

Is murder a federal offense?

Answer: Most murder cases are charged in state court where they occur but there are exceptions. Some are when the murder occurs on Federal land, in a Bank, in a Federal building or when it is a Federal employee it can be. There are cases where a state will surrender a case to federal jurisdiction when more than one state is involved. If a murder occurs in Illinois they would normally have jurisdiction but if the body is disposed of in Indiana and the weapon in Missouri it could be charged federally or in Illinois where the murder actually occurred.

Now this is something you can sink your teeth into. According to our textbook for Murder 101 "Introduction to Practical Homicide," the best methods (those where they're dead and you don't get caught) are "hit and run" and "dead of night." If Erasmus worked in a bank or Federal building we could try the hit and run, but for brief, infrequent visits it's WAY to expensive to have that strike force waiting twiddling their thumbs. So it's "dead of night," which means banks and Federal buildings are out. This only leaves murders that take place in multiple states.

Luckily, Seneca SC is not far from both the Georgia and North Carolina borders. I suggest the following would both qualify as "federal murder" and meet the Illuminati's "whatever you do don't get caught" guidelines : 1) Scout the border area for a boundary marker post more than 6' tall that can be easily sharpened, 2) Sharpen it, 3) In the dead of night, lure the victim to this spot on the border, and 4) Impale the victim on the post so that half of the victim's body is in each state. I suggest a "slowly up the behind" impalement, not because it makes any legal difference, but because it would certainly be the most painful for the victim and amusing to watch, giving it a better chance of going viral on YouTube.

I would like all of your advice before threatening Erasmus of America with this, so please give it freely. Most importantly, I need assurance that this would be federal, not state, murder. And of course, if you can think of a more unpleasant way for you-know-who to die under federal jurisdiction, by all means let me know.

[The Observer]

This won't work since the federal murder qualifications won't be met - Erasmus' corpse would be lying on the border of two states belonging to the Confederate States of America. I can hear you saying, "So what? The Confederacy ended over 147 years ago! Both of those states belong to the Union and would be under federal law." But you are forgetting one thing, Erasmus has revived the Confederacy, so federal murder would no longer work; you could only commit confederate murder. This is where Erasmus has outthought himself and got way too tricky for his own good. No matter how many times you murder him, he could never get a conviction for federal murder against you. Jury after jury would be forced to declare "Not guilty" and watch as you skip and jump out of the courtroom.

If you are still interested in committing federal murder on Erasmus, you will have to trick him into walking into Fort Sumter before you can do so.

[notorial dissent]

And, since I am quite sure we DON'T have an extradition treaty, or any other kind of treaty for that matter with the newly reconstituted CSA, once you are back across the border you are out of their jurisdiction, such as it problematically is.

[AndyK]

Oh, Puleese Ain't yall read yer sovereign handbooks?

Federal murder only happens in the few locations under the jurisdiction of the corporate de facto federal gummint.

These are limited to Washington, DC (Domicile Corporatus), the military installations where the sovereign (and foreign to the federals) states have specifically ceded jurisdiction over the land to the Corporation, and the grounds of the United Nations headquaarters since it is a cleverly disguised tool of USA, Inc.

[notorial dissent]

Well then, I guess we'll just have to trick ole smartern' the average rock Rasbo into stepping foot onto a Federal Enclave then, or it won't be official. Sheesh, picky, picky, picky!!!

[Deep Knight]

... grounds of the United Nations headquaarters since it is a cleverly disguised tool of USA, Inc.

I have to reluctantly agree about the impaled on the border idea, it sounds great on paper but in reality whichever state's investigator's arrive first, when they see it is Erasmus, will probably throw the body into the other state. At least I would. I like the idea of the UN Headquarters for a lot of reasons, the biggest being that Erasmus whines to the UN about occupying DC and installing him as President of the CSA in one report, and then in the next says that CSA doesn't recognize the UN. I'm sure the folks there will give us Carte Blanche.

That's not all, I'm sure that the UN is also international territory, and "historical" state of New York territory. That's right, a murder hat trick, 3 murders in one! Unless by "federal murder" Erasmus means "exclusively federal murder," in which case it's back to the drawing board.

[Burnaby49]

Finally a break in the Maple Syrup case! Arrests and the recovery of 2/3 of the purloined national treasure. With luck Deep Knight's sticky fingerprints will be all over it.

http://www.loweringthebar.net/2012/12/t ... syrup.html

[Deep Knight]

Finally a break in the Maple Syrup case! Arrests and the recovery of 2/3 of the purloined national treasure. With luck Deep Knight's sticky fingerprints will be all over it.

...newly disclosed fact that the theft did not take place over one busy weekend, as I had assumed (but puzzled over), but rather spanned a full year. The latest figure for the amount originally taken is 9,600 barrels; that's an average of 26 barrels a day, which still seems like way too much for employees to smuggle out in their pockets or lunchboxes or something.

Using maple syrup (sirop d'érable to my homeboys) on the fingers actually prevents fingerprints, much like latex gloves although less likely to be the subject of fetishes. The stickiness of the syrup causes all known fingerprint powders and vapors to stick to everything or "overamp," making the prints unreadable. Sure it's messy, but it beats a federal murder rap.

As for the method of smuggling out the syrup, I'll never tell except to reveal that it was not in body cavities as reported by Sorcha Faal. Let's just say that the Goodyear Blimp being out of commission for a month that mysterious high radiation reading near Chicago weren't coincidences.

[Burnaby49]

The maple syrup heist is to be immortalized in a movie. I know it will rank right up there with The Sting and Topkapi. However the discovery of the crime could use a little spicing up, in reality an auditor knocked an empty (but supposedly full) barrel over. Maybe Scarlett Johansson and Jason Segal having a wild sexual tryst in the warehouse that sends all the barrels careening around?

http://www.theprovince.com/entertainmen ... story.html

[ArthurWankspittle]

Just to beat Deep Knight to it - I'll volunteer to roll around in maple syrup with Scarlett Johansson.

[Burnaby49]

Just to beat Deep Knight to it - I'll volunteer to roll around in maple syrup with Scarlett Johansson.

Forget it, it was my idea.