He has accepted a plea bargain. That means that as soon as the next hearing can be arranged, he might just walk out.
The Illuminati assure you that Bob will "walk out", but it won't be
your Bob. On the very first night, we removed Bob's brain, which is now sitting in a jar on my nightstand. I dressed it up in a yellow sundress, Farrah Fawcett wig, and a pair of really cute strappy heels. It looks quite pleased with itself, but it really needs to shave its legs. Anyway, with Bob's head literally empty, we had to make a quick decision on what to replace his brain with. And then we had an epiphany - the kamikaze squirrel that ran into my Honda Fit last September! The body was pretty flat, so we were keeping the brain alive. He was doing really great and almost finished that Sudoku book I gave him in January.
Naturally, the squirrel brain wasn't quite large enough to fill the empty cavity where Bob's brain used to be, so we filled it with those environmentally friendly packing peanuts. And then we closed up with some duct tape. Oddly enough, no one noticed.
The bad news about that is that he will plea to a felony charge and he will lose his rights. I know he is doing this for me.
We have it on good authority that Bob is doing this for himself. Not great authority, mind you, since we had to bribe his cell mate with a pack of cigarettes and it's a known fact that he's likely to say almost anything for a pack of smokes. Prison is no vacation, sweetheart (unless you're Elaine). Bob's probably only thinking about you in the shower, and outside the shower he's trying not to piss off the wrong people. Actually, he may not even be thinking about you in the shower, since that would draw the wrong kind of attention. Like wearing a micro-mini and a see-through top in a bad part of town.
That bothers me alot and I’m thinking seriously about calling the Vermont Law school and see if I can get consultation.
That's an excellent idea. I'm sure that they're experts in NH Law at the VT Legal Clinics. (Okay, they probably know something about it, but seriously, ask for advice in the right state for crying out loud)
I believe that he is innocent and he can actually walk out of there innocent – but he will have to stay there a few months longer.
If he's charged with urinating on the White House lawn, sure, he's innocent. Or...is he? I saw a guy out there at 2AM a couple of months back when I was there for a Telekinesis & Oatmeal Preparation Seminar. Kinda looked like Bob. But who knows? Maybe it was his drunken doppelgänger which we put into circulation last year. He mysteriously disappeared in Minnesota. No need to call me if you find him, we've already had our fun.
My sisters can .. well you know, we don’t need to get into that.
Actually, we do now. This is an internet posting. If you didn't want to get into it, you shouldn't have brought the subject up.
Can they....rub strawberry jello on white poodles and run fully clothed through the nearest cow pasture?
Can they....take 659 dead flies, line them up on a board in military formation and gently tap one end of the board to make the flies look like they're marching in unison and falling over drunk?
Bob is a man who won’t enjoy reporting to a probation officer, peeing in a cup, or not having his guns (he loves his guns), or not exercising his right to vote.
No, Bob is a squirrel who will absolutely adore reporting to a probation officer because they have buckets of candy in their desk and they're always jittery from the caffeine and sugar so they're just like squirrels! And, if you make cute squirrel faces, they'll give you some candy. And then you can run away, stash the candy and come back for more.
Bob the squirrel does not care about peeing in cups. When he comes home, you will be lucky if you can make him urinate consistently in the bathroom, much less near the toilet. I'm not sure if that's any different that the previous Bob, but you should probably pick up some puppy-pads just in case.
Bob the squirrel does not even like guns. This has to do with rednecks taking potshots at him and his family when he was little.
Bob the squirrel cares not for voting. Unless it has to do with squirrel extermination, and then he will care.
I am going to ask him what he wants most today when I talk to him on the phone.
Nuts. He wants nuts. Send nuts.
I know he is doing this for me.
[..snip..]
My friends here have already told me that they will help me if Bob feels like fighting.
[..snip..]
I’m sure his public defender is anxious for him to sign on the line to admit to guilt. I cannot have that.
[..snip..]
If Bob is willing to sit it out, I will not cry and display any suffering to him while he is there.
[..snip..]
So there, what do you think of that?
I think you think this is all about you.
When chosen for jury duty, tell the judge "fortune cookie says guilty" - A fortune cookie