Schulz Rallying the Troops (or trying to)

[Trippy]

Schulz is continuing his consolidation of his fast-dwindling influence by getting people together to deliver his 2009 Continental Congress recommendations to state officials on April 19th. I decided to try my hand at rewriting one of the Schulz-suggested letters:

“The Constitution is a shilly-shally thing, of mere milk and water … and is only good as a step to something better.” Alexander Hamilton

April 19, 2010

Sen. Kirsten E. Gillibrand
Albany, NY 12207

Re: Articles of Freedom

Dear Senator Gillibrand:

We represent those freedom-loving people in America who want THEIR interests alone listened to … everyone else to pay our tax burden … and interested in a return to constitutional governance carried out in decency and good order.

Regrettably, for decades and over many administrations, both political parties have been violating the Constitution and the states have acquiesced. When petitioned for a redress, our elected officials have refused to listen or respond in the way that we want. Legally, their silence is their admission: You are all idiots. And we do not approve of such an attitude – after all, it is well-settled in American Jurisprudence that anyone with a computer and inkjet printer can throw a petition at their elected officials, and expect a reply – even if that petition is about Bill and his half-wit cousin Bob’s freedom to hold séances at midnight at the local dog pound, with half a bottle of J.D. and an ounce of awesome grass.

Last November, in the spirit of defending the Constitution, 116 bitchers-and-moaners from 48 states – with WAY too much time on their hands, either from retirement or lack of employment – met for 11 days in St. Charles, Illinois (where nothing happens, and the local Famous Person is the insane Brian Wilson of the now-defunct Beach Boys), to discuss various “violations” of the Constitution and to recommend an appropriate Remedy. And imagine, Senator! Our movement is so vast in influence and members, no one outside the “patriot community” knew we were there!

The Articles of Freedom, the work of Continental Congress 2009, include a series of Remedial Instructions for both the Federal and State governments – instructions designed to restore constitutional governance in America. Among these remedies are not paying taxes until we get the response we want, blocking all roads and main thoroughfares into and out of town, holding back taxes until we get the proper response, and did we mention not paying our taxes until YOU give us the answer(s) we deserve?

Today, the Articles of Freedom are being served on elected officials in the federal government and all 50 state governments. We await your response and action – although we realize that probably won’t be forthcoming, since there are other problems on your plate, such as high unemployment, and Bill’s petition about him and his half-wit cousin.

[grixit]

It is the unanimous decision of this court that, whereas there are currently two distinct and incompatible demands for the "restoration of the goverment" currently outstanding, to wit that of the "Guardians of the Free Republics" and that of "We the People", only one at a time, at most, can possibly be taken under consideration, and therefor it is necessary that the two parties settle the matter of precedence between themselves by competing in a no holds barred, last contender standing, nude butterscotch pudding wrestling match.

[Doktor Avalanche]

It is the unanimous decision of this court that, whereas there are currently two distinct and incompatible demands for the "restoration of the goverment" currently outstanding, to wit that of the "Guardians of the Free Republics" and that of "We the People", only one at a time, at most, can possibly be taken under consideration, and therefor it is necessary that the two parties settle the matter of precedence between themselves by competing in a no holds barred, last contender standing, nude butterscotch pudding wrestling match.

Hey! There are people trying to eat over here!