Vogon IRS

[webhick]

If the Vogons are in charge of the IRS, we should totally help them out by converting IRS correspondence to bad poetry. My little contribution:

We found an error
Your return was corrected
Review and respond

[Quixote]

We found an error, clerical.
Do not become hysterical.
Although you made a grave mistake
Your car and first born we won't take.
We think, however, you'll agree
that 2 plus 2 is 4, not 3.

[Cpt Banjo]

Your return is frivolous -- that much is true
So we're gonna use Section Six Seven Oh Two
To add 5 thou to your bill; please remit.
Resistance is useless, you fatuous git.*

*Substituted for another, more descriptive word in order to conform to the Quatloos Code of Decency.**

** I assume there is one, but I could be wrong...

[Leftcoaster]

And now for some Canadian content (gasp!)

We assessed you under section 152(7) of the ITA
So even though you haven't filed you still have to pay.
You may have been snitched on by one of your friends
The bailiff will be by shortly to pick up your Benz.

...I'll show myself out now.

[fortinbras]

I am so glad that someone is a fan of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

[webhick]

This is a stretch:

There once was a letter from Ogden
Which described actions most rotten
The next notice we send
There it will be penned
Very soon you must begin to smarten

[webhick]

I am so glad that someone is a fan of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

We won't rest until Famspear's work is pinned to bulletin boards in every federal law enforcement agency in the country. NAY, THE WORLD!

Maybe we should consider a coffee table book containing our very best (or humorously bad) poems and song parodies. It'd make a pretty good fundraising item, especially since the mugs have gone the way of the dodo.

[Cathulhu]

You really don't want to
use frivolous arguments--
Big Fat Penalties!

[webhick]

Quitcher bitchin'
Quitcher cryin'
You owe taxes
Now where's the money?

[wserra]

From the IRS, courtesy of the Vogon Poetry Generator, especially for Submarine Veteran:

See, see the strident sky
Marvel at its big puce depths.
Tell me, Submarine Veteran do you
Wonder why the warthog ignores you?
Why its foobly stare
makes you feel execrable.
I can tell you, it is
Worried by your bysphrix facial growth
That looks like
A moldy cheese.
What's more, it knows
Your foghorn potting shed
Smells of snail.
Everything under the big strident sky
Asks why, why do you even bother?
You only charm garbages.

Strangely apt, no?

[ashlynne39]

Well if we are submitting our poetry . . . (it is clear I have too much time on my hands):

Ode to a CTC Tax Cheat

Your payer had given to you
Your very own W-2
This wrong you did say
No income I made
“Please help” you asked “what shall I do.”

So off to the internet you went
Many hours on losthorizons spent
You read Petey’s book
Followed Skankbeat’s hook
And your educated return you sent.

Your CTC return we did not catch at first
So illusions of free dollars you nursed
A victory you did post
On the forum Petey hosts
When we saw that your bubble we burst

Friv pens to your return were assessed
When we saw your return was a hot mess
You made up those numbers
CTCers just get dumber
At this point you should just have confessed

But no a trial you did seek
So into the courtroom you peeked
Beware the flag with the fringe
Skankbeat said your case on it will hinge
There it was and you said this courtroom reeks

The judge in your case was a tool
In CTC law he just was not schooled
He refused to let you say
Income you were not paid
Curses to that dawgone Judge Fool.

$1000 in penalties you were fined
A victory no doubt in your mind
You weren't sent to jail
So you lived to spread your tale
And reported your win back to your kind.

Alas Skankbeat just was not impressed
With keen insight in common law he is blessed
Had you used the right words
You could have flipped Judge Fool the bird
And ended up paying penalties of much less.

So the moral of my poem is this
The real tax law CTCers surely do miss
In lala land they do play
When their taxes they don’t pay
And my ass Skankbeat surely can kiss.

[The Observer]

Hi-ho, hi-ho
It's off to seize we go
You filed some junk
That was pure bunk
Hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho

Hi-ho, hi-ho
Back from the bank we go
We grabbed your cash
In one mad dash
Hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho

- from "The Revenue Officer's Hymnal: Songs To Levy By"

[grixit]

Yeah, but can you name all seven of them?

[Cathulhu]

Yeah, but can you name all seven of them?

Greedy, Snarky, Lonely, Spacey, Napoleonic Complex (aka Shorty), Sneaky, and Doc.

There's always a Doc.

[Demosthenes]

Is Doc a dentist who doesn't pay taxes?

[The Operative]

Is Doc a dentist who doesn't pay taxes?

He might be a chiropractor.

[Famspear]

With apologies to my pal, "Eddie Al":

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of financial lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping -- rapping, rapping at my door.
`'Tis the maid,' I muttered, `tapping there outside my office door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember: I was feeling not too limber,
Stuck inside my office there, as though glued right to my chair.
And the reason? And the reason?
You should know! It was tax season!
I was working on returns all night, preparing them with care.

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, yes, yes, yes, I’m coming to the door;
But the fact is I am busy, I am worked into a tizzy,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my office door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
And an IRS guy entered, laid his briefcase on the floor.
He announced that he would audit
Each return from years before…..

[The Observer]

Yeah, but can you name all seven of them?

Greedy, Snarky, Lonely, Spacey, Napoleonic Complex (aka Shorty), Sneaky, and Doc.

There's always a Doc.

I think grixit was asking for the names of the seven revenue officers:

Grabby, Seizy, Nopey, Scrappy, Grouchy, Screamy, and Croc.

[LPC]

Yeah, but can you name all seven of them?

Greedy, Snarky, Lonely, Spacey, Napoleonic Complex (aka Shorty), Sneaky, and Doc.

There's always a Doc.

I think grixit was asking for the names of the seven revenue officers:

Grabby, Seizy, Nopey, Scrappy, Grouchy, Screamy, and Croc.

What happened to Snotty, Greedy, A__hole, and Dopey? (Yes, there was a "Dopey" in the original version, but we're talking about a different "Dopey" here.)

[Gregg]

What happened to Snotty, Greedy, A__hole, and Dopey? (Yes, there was a "Dopey" in the original version, but we're talking about a different "Dopey" here.)

Von Nuthaus?