More correspondence from Ed and Gang

Doktor Avalanche · Post by **Doktor Avalanche** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 7:27 am

webhick wrote:
Doktor Avalanche wrote:I think I just found the future ex Mrs. Avalanche.
Only if it involves three shaved hamsters, two pudding sandwiches, and large alimony payments.

Only three? I thought you said three hundred. Jeeze...now what am I gonna do with 297 shaved hamsters?

Don't answer that.

Nikki · Post by **Nikki** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 12:36 pm

Doktor Avalanche wrote:Only three? I thought you said three hundred. Jeeze...now what am I gonna do with 297 shaved hamsters?

Aren't there any {insert your favorite Asian cuisine} restaurants nearby?

Post by **Demosthenes** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 12:37 pm

Mmmm. Kabobs!

Post by **Prof** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 2:57 pm

Rapid ferret "Whack-a-mole"?

Post by **webhick** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 4:31 pm

I was thinking more along the lines of having them stuffed and mounted, then supergluing little antlers on them. I'd make up some long-winded story about the fight to the death with the rare and vicious Deerham and how I won against all odds with just my trusty bow and arrow. The world would be shocked and amazed. The environmentalists would throw a hissyfit. I'd get a special on the Discovery Channel and a SciFi original movie made about my life. Then the press would start digging for dirt and eventually find the nude photographs, the DVDs, etc and just to get away from them I would volunteer for a scientific expedition to the Antarctic and would seemingly disappear. Twenty years later, I would emerge from the icy pit of hell and attempt to re-situate myself amongst the living by commandeering a shack out in the middle of the swamp and feeding all those who did me wrong to the alligators who would grow to such a preposterous size that they would require more than my enemies to sustain them on a daily basis. Soon they would start attacking the local population and shortly thereafter the government would need to get involved to take down the wicked beasts. Inevitably, the government would discover that I had been killing my victims with MiracleGro and feeding them to the alligators and they would show up on my doorstep to arrest me. But it would already be too late, for I would have volunteered to go back to Antarctica to allow them time to cool off.

ErsatzAnatchist · Post by **ErsatzAnatchist** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 5:41 pm

Webhick, perhaps it would be faster if you just purchased this place: viewtopic.php?t=1824

Post by **webhick** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 6:00 pm

CaptainKickback wrote:I detect overtones of jackalope fantasies and the plot of several Sci-Fi Channel/Roger Corman flicks of gators 'n' crocs running wild.......... I give this effort only a 5.7 (on a scale of 10) - it was tepid and seemed to recycle the lesser works of others. A rare off moment for our Ms. Webhick.

Yeah. But I was specifically thinking of Lake Placid and Betty White feeding cows to the overgrown crocs when I wrote it.

Doktor Avalanche · Post by **Doktor Avalanche** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 8:33 pm

webhick wrote:
CaptainKickback wrote:I detect overtones of jackalope fantasies and the plot of several Sci-Fi Channel/Roger Corman flicks of gators 'n' crocs running wild.......... I give this effort only a 5.7 (on a scale of 10) - it was tepid and seemed to recycle the lesser works of others. A rare off moment for our Ms. Webhick.
Yeah. But I was specifically thinking of Lake Placid and Betty White feeding cows to the overgrown crocs when I wrote it.

That had to be my favorite scene in the whole movie.

"I'm rootin' for the crocodile - I hope he eats you and all your friends up."

Post by **Demosthenes** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 9:16 pm

Letter from Ed to Elaine. Count how many times Ed asks after his wife's wellbeing...

ErsatzAnatchist · Post by **ErsatzAnatchist** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 9:45 pm

Demosthenes wrote:Letter from Ed to Elaine. Count how many times Ed asks after his wife's wellbeing...

Well, at least at the end, he told her he loved her.

What a whinny little child. Someone needs to bitch slap a little reality into him.

Maybe I will break down and send Ed a copy of One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. I'm off to amazon to see if I can pick one up for $0.02.

Anyone know if I can mail him a book or is it contraband? What if I mark it "Attorney Mail"?

Post by **LPC** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 10:04 pm

ErsatzAnatchist wrote:Anyone know if I can mail him a book or is it contraband?

I read somewhere that prisoners can receive books only if they are shipped directly from the publisher. Books from third parties are intercepted and blocked.

Post by **grixit** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 10:21 pm

Can you die of hypochondria?

The Operative · Post by **The Operative** » Wed Dec 12, 2007 10:58 pm

Geez Ed, us retired Army guys who have had survival training in both the arctic and Panama would call your prison chow a feast.

Bud Dickman · Post by **Bud Dickman** » Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:21 am

"GIVE ME 20!!"

DI would never let them off that easy!

Tax Man · Post by **Tax Man** » Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:37 am

Quixote wrote:
Prof wrote:
Demosthenes wrote:This letter is from Ed, not Elaine.
This is my day to say, " Never mind."

Same point, though -- since no one will ever believe that Ed was gassed!!!!!!!
Someone connected with Rino is saying that Ed was tasered during his arrest. I have asked him/her for the source of that info, because Ed has never said he was tasered. Unfortunately, I haven't been interested enough in the answer to see if he/she responded.

Please provide the Ed-gets-tasered youtube link when you find it.

Post by **LPC** » Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:52 am

grixit wrote:Can you die of hypochondria?

We can hope.

Nikki · Post by **Nikki** » Thu Dec 13, 2007 2:06 am

grixit wrote:Can you die of hypochondria?

Yes, and the tombstone says "See? I told you so."

Post by **webhick** » Thu Dec 13, 2007 2:34 am

Ed: family Freeman wrote:5 wks ago I came in here at 163 Lbs - now i'm 153 Lbs and and loseing - Thats pretty fast.

Sounds like Ed is missing his mistress....Little Debbie. Seriously, losing 10lbs in 5 weeks is actually 2lbs a week. That's pretty healthy in terms of weight loss. And since the ding-dongs have developed a condo community in the area just above his belt, it's probably a good thing that he's losing weight.

Ed: family Freeman wrote:Well I guess its starting to get serious.

Marked by the telltale signs of having to play patty-cakes by yourself and realizing that the guards are putting your hands in warm water while you sleep. Being found guilty, holing up in your house and threatening authorities, being arrested on your front porch by people who professed their love to you, going to prison, are totally not serious.

Ed: family Freeman wrote:I break out with these small sores here and there on my body mostly my head and extremities.

They should check him for fleas or lice. Those "sores" are probably nothing more than bug bites.

Ed: family Freeman wrote:I tried eating some of the white dead stuff and my ulcer hit me about an hour later, with a vengence.
::snip::
The dizzy spells started on me pretty heavy tonight
::snip::
my throat is getting worse

Well, either you're experiencing total system failure, or you've got THE FLU. Yeesh, if I got all panicky every time my tummy hurt, I threw up, got dizzy spells, and had a sore throat...I'd never leave the f'ing hospital. I wonder if the writers from House would like to do an episode on Ed Brown.

Ed: family Freeman wrote:i'm a freeman

Now that he's admitted to being related to Morgan Freeman, we can use that cockamamie "only 14th amendment citizens have to pay taxes" crap against him and tell him to pay up.

Ed: family Freeman wrote:Isolation is the cruelist of punishments

It must be, for someone who probably fantasizes about his brainwashed followers licking the empty kit kat wrappers from the bottoms of his shoes.

Ed: family Freeman wrote:B.P. is going way up again.

I don't think Elaine cares what the barometric pressure is like where you are.

Disilloosianed · Post by **Disilloosianed** » Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:40 pm

You made it way farther than I did, webhick. I had to stop because I was afraid he was going to start describing the color and consistency of his latest bowel movement.

What a completedly self-absorbed SOB.

Post by **webhick** » Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:09 pm

Disilloosianed wrote:You made it way farther than I did, webhick. I had to stop because I was afraid he was going to start describing the color and consistency of his latest bowel movement.

He wouldn't do that, because he knows it'd be definitive proof that his caloric intake is higher than he claims, that they're not starving him to death, and that he's not experiencing system failure.